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Zac (mrcanadianpie) wrote,
@ 2004-02-06 21:26:00
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    Every single time, heh.
    So this morning, I went to my psychologist and all of that... And he sits there, and talks about how my father and I's relationship seems really rocky... And the whole time, I'm thinking, "it's really getting better... It really is!". Silly me... I forgot about that little irony factor that always seems to kick me in the butt, heh.
    I just got finished having a terribly aggravating "conversation" with my dad... I had to ask him to please not shout like four times... And my best friend Geoff is sitting in my bedroom, and I'm sure he can already hear the whole "conversation". Just what I want... My friends to be subject to my father's dark side. I just don't understand how he can be so terribly mislead by his own delusions! The arguments he presents don't have a leg to stand on to begin with, but it's like he doesn't realize it... And when you bring it to his attention, he starts to yell and shout as if to create a wall of words in defense. I just don't understand how he does it. This morning, I left the psychologist with a great feeling: I felt like my dad was actually making an effort. And still, I think a lot of the time, he is... But he's so terribly addicted to his anger. I truly think that he, at least in the heat of the moment, truly enjoys yelling and screaming at us. I can only be thankful that normally, he makes the effort not to do it in front of friends... But today was way too close to call. So now I'm sitting in my room with Geoff (who is reading a musician's friend magazine talking about his future child named Roland, by the way) with tears just behind my eyes, trying to figure out when things will make a real change instead of merely exchanging one fa?ade for another. There's still ^hope^ of course... But there's times when it's still no fun down here. It's these times that I remember my reasons for making my biggest mistakes. Thankfully though, I can look back on those things. I can do it without fear and without worry. I know who has a hold of me. I know he won't let go, just as he kept hold then...

    I just never realized how strong his grip was at the time.

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