|Current mood:|| grateful|
It's funny... I have so many moral philosophies that I share with others, and yet so many times I find myself rediscovering them as though for the first time. I've always said that the choices we make are the things that define us; we don't do ANYTHING without first making a decision. I'm one to normally break things down into their simplest form... For instance, normally, one choice is actually comprised of a HUGE amount of decisions that we normally make in a split second, oftentimes without even realizing that we've made them. So moving back to the point, I was sitting in my English class recently, staring at the prompt for a performance plus writing test. It read: "Do a person's surroundings affect them?" Now obviously, this prompt is almost laughable; it takes no essay to answer it. So I started writing, and for the most part, my subject matter was concerning the fact that while one's surroundings certainly have a profound affect on someone, it is their decisions BASED on those surroundings that truly determine their character and the path that they will take as people. So I'm writing this, amusingly enough still slightly flustered and angry at my dad for both recent and not-so-recent actions... And it is as though I'm writing from a memory, not from a current thought, because after I finish, I read through it, and all of the sudden some invisible force hits me in the face with a dishpan-- what have I been doing??? I thought. Because, in every mistake that I've made, I've rightly accepted that it was my choice, but I've done so under the wrong tense; I've justified everything that I've done (for the most part) by saying, "if things around here had been different, I wouldn't have done [insert stupid decision here]". This is completely contradictory to my beliefs, and what it told me was just how weak of a person I've been for the past long while. I almost laughed out loud in class (I may have; I don't remember), and I just smiled at the sudden impact of what my mind rediscovered. I'm tired of being that weak person. I'm tired of being the one whom people feel sorry for because I have some rough things in my life. There was a time when I just kept my eyes on the ^^real^^ focus, and everything was perfect, no matter what the difficulties. So that's my decision. I'm done dealing with things on my own. I'm done making excuses for my stupidity. I'm done cowering in the shadow of the person I once was. Things are going to change around here. And change?
Change is good.