Moved to Shapleigh with the rents last week and I just got home from a lengthy work week. I'm so tired and I feel like I'm coming down with something. What else is new though?
Well, for starters I'm battling a severe depression along with other fucked up emotions I blame on my new, unplanned lifestyle. I've been distancing myself from people and I know it. It's what I tend to do when I'm really down. I haven't exactly been the best boyfriend of late either. Poor Molly has seen me at my best and worst. I guess that's the way relationships go but my worst is pretty bad. So bad, in fact, that I'd rather people not see that side of me. But anyway, yeah...definitely distancing myself.
The past few days Molly has hung out with her friends and done some fun things and I honestly don't care to hear about it. I guess I feel left out, although I shouldn't. Again, I blame my fucked up emotions for the way I feel, which is why I don't bother bringing it up to her. There's nothing wrong with what she is doing; but there is something wrong with me. It's strange, but when I feel left out or unwelcome, I almost want to be left out. I want to be invisible and forgotten. If it sounds silly, its because it is. Lately I have just wanted to escape everyone and everything. Thank God for Molly though. She--along with weed--has kept me from putting a bullet in my brain. So far.
Today marks 10 months that Molly and I have been together. Normally this kind of occation would perk me up and make me smile. Maybe it's because I'm so exhausted and sickly; maybe it's because I can't help but note that I've never had a relationship last much longer than this; but I don't have a sweet bone in my body today. I love Molly dearly, don't get me wrong. But right now I wish I was all alone, with no one who cares enough to see my sadness and be affected by it. I just want to cry hard and have the rest of the world go about their daily lives and not know I exist. I wish someone could see my fake smile and be none-the-wiser. Just once.