|Current mood:|| depressed|
Can hardly take it
Hey! I'm crawling back again. I really hate it up here in the north. I mean, I took a break from raking the leaves. I came into the living room and crashed on the coutch. Then, I started to cry. Then I ran up stairs and wrote and entry in my diary for diaryland. I hate me. Ok. I don't. I love me so much, that it sickens me to look into the mirror. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I only have this diary so I can talk about crap and no body will care if I offend them. Because it is all about them. If I am depressed and say "No one cares" they come back and say "I care! How could you say that I don't care?" I'm a mental case. I am friggin hyper when I am around people. I can't be alone. I stare at walls and bare my lips until the tears come down. Everyone down south has moved on and made new friends. I thought I did. I guess I just want to die, but am too afraid to go through with it. I'm too smart to do it. If I do comit suiside, then I took the easy way out. If I don't then I live a wasted life. I know people care, but the have a funny way of showing it. But then again. I'm selfish. Just because I'm not mentioned in someone's diary, I automaticly think that I have failed as a friend and I'm not cared for. Or, just because the phones arn't ringing off the hook, I feel like I'm not good enough for my friends. And then I think of the times that they do care. And then I cry even harder because I thought that they didn't and that I diserve to die becasue I am so ignorant. All my friends are smart. Like...they are in all honors. I...am in honors, but I feel as though they know more. Like they mock me because they are better than me or they think of ways how to make me feel depressed so I can just shoot myself and rid them of me. I feel like I have failed everyone. I cry too much. I cry about nothing. I'm too judgemental. I want to die. No...I want to live. I want to live a life where I am aware 24-7 that people are thinking about me and wishing that I was there. I want to live a life where I'm not so self-consumed. I wish I could see how the world would be effected by the absence of me. Would people not be able to go on with life. Would the school be in tears? Would my freinds still laugh? I would they laugh in victory? Would they think: Thank God! Now I don't have to worry about her unstable conditions or her pestering for a sleep over?
I'm so weak. I swear, if anyone I know reads this diary, I won't have anymore friends...like I even have any now. Or do I? I don't have someone I can call and care the world for them and they care the universe back. I don't have anyone but God who knows how I feel. I want to talk to Him, but I feel ashamed. I have a head ache. I don't want to do my Spanish homework. I want to sleep. I want my grandparents to come over. I don't need them...but It would make living easier. I'm hungry. I feel sick. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I have to do my journal. I ...I...have to go rake the leaves again. Or...once my tears dry up.