|Current mood:|| blah|
Listen to me...
But he had... decided some things. He was- he had a plan, you see. And he was going to make it work. He was. After eating his lunch alone, and only tearing himself away from his work in case Sirius came to the table, which was unlikely, he finished his notes before walking slowly up the stairs and through the house until he reached Sirius' private rooms. He stopped, and knocked on the door. "Sirius?" he called aloud, and kept his mind as blank as he possibly could of anything.
Sirius had left the bathroom, sometime before dawn and was now laying on his back on his bed. His upper half was bare, and silk pajama bottoms on the lower half. One arm was draped over his eyes, and he was breathing slowly. "Yes, Severus." came the reply, a weary, patient tone. That and something more. Defeat? Surrender? Despair? It was hard to tell.
A pause, a thinking, a deliberate time to consider before reacting (something he could do with most people most of the time but... but rarely around Sirius for some reason...) then Severus slowly opened the door, taking it as an invitation. Looked around, found Sirius, and approached slowly and stayed at a slight distance. Spoke in careful, calm, measured- almost lifeless tones. He'd swallowed any emotion he had too deep down for it to surface just now. "I..." Think we need to talk? Yes, how cliched. "...think we need to discuss things. Do you feel up to it?" he asked, as diplomatically as he could, stood stiffly to attention.
Sirius took in a deep breath, held it for a long moment, then exhaled. He nodded slowly, keeping his arm over his eyes, and fearing the worst, whatever it may be. "I can be if need be, Severus." he said in a soft tone, again weary. After a moment, he removed his arm, and rolled over onto his side to face Severus. His eyes were bloodshot, whether from lack of sleep or crying, it was impossible to tell. They looked haunted as well, tired, weary. He blinked slowly, then rubbed at his eyes and looked Severus over carefully. "Please, speak your mind Severus." he said calmly.
A small self-deprecating smirk ghosted over the Slytherin's lips briefly- the only sign of any humour save the blackest of all that had been coaxed out of him for the past week or so. "Oh perhaps not that." A little exhalation, and he pulled up a chair, and sat down, both feet firmly on the ground, straight. Thinking again- he was going to do this no matter what. His voice was sombre again when he started speaking; "Sirius, you have not been taking care of yourself. I want to know why, and how long." His gaze was steady as he spoke, hands stilled.
Suddenly, quite suddenly so, Sirus sat up. He looked over at Severus, and slowly and with a little help from his arms, he crossed his legs before him, and then leaned his arms on his thighs. He stared at Severus, puzzled. If he was angered by the insinuation, he did not show it. "Not taking care of myself?" He repeated, then held his arms up, and out from his sides, showing off his belly, and chest. "Do I not look fit to you? Despite the marks put upon me by you?" he querried. "Am I not in good shape? Do I not normally move about on my own, and perform my needed duties?" he asked, then went quiet, watching Severus closely, his eyes particularly.
Severus' eyes narrowed, but did not blink. His nostrils flared impatiently, but he controlled his breathing, controlled his anger, smothered it back down and quenched as best he could. He was giving off the air of the eternally patient dealing with one rather dull-witted, slow child. "I am not talking about your outward appearance and you well know it, Sirius. If you think that attempting to annoy me is a viable ploy you should think again. I am here to be serious, and have an adult conversation with you." He bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything further as a litany of abuse tried to nudge its way out of his mind and into his throat. Closed his eyes, looked down. Looked up again, barely composed. "I am talking about your insides, and not just your stomach." Calm calm calm, count to ten, Severus, look away from the red and at the fluffy white sheep instead.
Sirius folded his arms over his chest and canted his head to the side as he regarded Severus. "My insides?" he asked, brows knitted in confusion. "Severus... I honestly don't know what you are talking about." he said quietly, then with a sigh, laid back down on his side, still facing Severus. He looked like he was thinking for a moment, then again, the brows knitted, this time slight annoyance showed in his pale eyes, "Do you mean the wine?" he said gruffly at last, then waited.
Dark eyes rolled upwards. It was worse than asking the first years what the difference between a solvent and a solute was. He stifled yet more venom and wondered what the hell this was doing to his innards. "Yes I meant the wine," he said, unable to keep the sarcastic tone from his voice. Ran his hand through lank hair. "But why, Sirius? What is it that makes you do it? Haven't I given you what you wanted?" There was a slight air of petulance and anger to his speech now- irritation that Sirius still felt the need to... what? Well, he wasn't too sure, but he'd seen enough substance abuse of various kinds to have some idea of what it was about.
Sirius scowled, and kept his voice calm, and quiet as he replied. "That, is something that firstly you would not understand, nor is it any of your business." he said without a trace of cheek or anger. "You and I both have been through Hell's of our own making, and that made by others. I won't belittle the pain you feel, and the guilt you wrap yourself in, so do me a favor and show me the same courtesy Severus. Cut me off if you like. I don't care." he said, then looked away, at anything but Severus' face, his eyes. He found the lamp on the bedstand infinitely fascinating, and stared at it.
"Don't say I don't understand. Do you have any idea why I was headhunted, Sirius, or did you not care to think?" He could only remain emotionless for so long and he really was having difficulty now. "I... I am not saying... that anything you went through..." Clenched his fist. Stared at Sirius. "Have you any idea how many people who are good with Potions end up testing one thing too many on themselves? Hm? I suppose not, you never went to Corpus Chreeti." He had to pause each time, to order his thoughts, not to yell, to stay... in some semblance of control. "I have seen a god number of people die, Sirius. I have had people ask me to make them things... take your good friend Lupin- 'Oh Severus, will you please just brew this for me I know you shouldn't but..." He stood up, walked to the fireplace, placed one fist on it and pressed his fingernails as deep into his palm as they would go. "Why... why didn't you even tell me." His voice didn't raise, no verbal indication of a question.
Sirius watched the lamp, then turned only when Remus' name was mentioned. He opened his mouth to speak to that, but refrained, and listened. When Severus moved away from him and to the fireplace, now reset and repaired, no sign of the tantrum before, he shook his head. "It was all fine until he came here Severus. Why now? Why do you care so much for what I do to kill the pain now?" he asked, then rolled over with a grimace and soft sigh of discomfort as he sat up again, legs hanging over the edge of the bed now. He sighed. "I won't fight with you Severus. I don't have it left in me." he said wearily.
A long, long pause, filled with nothing but silence and breathing. "I didn't know." Maybe... I didn't want to know... he thought, and swallowed that down as soon as it arose. Straightened up. "I don't know why any of this, I never did, Sirius." He rubbed a cold hand over his mouth, as if that would coax the right thing from numb lips. "I don't have all the answers. I don't even have all the questions..." A wave of annoyance then- that still, still he was so far in the dark, still so little didn't make sense. Turned back, growling under his breath. He wasn't going to complain again, he wasn't. It didn't make things better, regardless of what he thought. He felt like giving up himself. No. Yes. Oh gods, why couldn't things just be simple? "I am not letting you do that to yourself and I don't care if you hate me for it." There. He'd said it.
Sirius looked sadly at Severus. He could hear how this was hurting him. His therapist had told him this would be the case. His mate would be hurting even if he didn't realize where the pain was coming from. It was not a solitary crime, or addiction. "Severus. I am finished with hating you. I am done fighting with you. I want it to all stop...." he sighed, then tilted his head down and rested his forehead in his hands, sighing aloud. "Why must we be the two most damned people on the Earth?" he muttered, then sat up again, searching for something to say that could help, anything. "I'm in therapy..." he confessed at last. "For about two years now..." he said, looking from Severus to the door, and the hall beyond. "It's helping, I suppose. Until Remus came, I was down 50% from my normal dose."
Christ. It... it was that bad? He... shook his head. Could he say he was over the same? No. He couldn't. But Sirius was. Sirius who had a drink problem and was still strong enough not to let grudges and the past eat him up. Oh yes, what a strong person Severus Snape must be, he berated himself. He tried his best to hide that. All of it. How could he look after Sirius when he couldn't see to himself first? No he wasn't going to dwell on it he wasn't. But what in high heavens did he bloody well say? "How much?" he finally managed. Wished he knew what was the right thing to say, knew that he didn't. If there even was a proper thing to say.
He waited before speaking again, watching Severus, "Sev, please. At least come sit here near me. I don't like talking to your back." he said quietly, then waited, watching his mate closely. As he started to move, he continued. "I was drinking perhaps... three bottles a day during the week when you were gone. Less on the weekends when you were here with me. You were the drug of choice then..." he explained in a dead calm voice, clinical, no emotion. "About three weeks ago, I started to cut back. I was down to a bottle and a half or so."
Severus reluctantly sat at the edge of the bed, but his back was still to Sirius- he couldn't face him right now. He was still too annoyed and too hurt and too confused and too everything. Couldn't they just ignore the past month and go back? Oh yes back to when Sirius was still DRINKING... He was incredibly annoyed with himself, Incredibly. If he knew so goddamn much about it why hadn't he bloody well noticed? He nodded, slowly. Processing and digesting information. Sucked at his teeth. "Do you think you... can stop?" Stupid question, Severus. But he really didn't know what to do with this. All those people, and not a one of them had he ever known. All that knowledge was nothing.
"Look at me Severus, or do you value and respect me that little?" he asked, this time, there was a bite to the last word. No much, but it was there. Then before waiting to look into his eyes to tell him, he said flatly, "No, of course I can't. I started as Jack Grim, while I was in hiding at Hogwarts. It's doesn't get cured Severus, it gets controlled, perhaps." he said grimly, then reached for a glass of water from his nightstand and took a long drink. Nearly a week without a drink and he was still always dehydrated.
He rankled at that. swashed one foot, brushing it with a slight noise against the bedspread hanging over the edge, unable to physically contain his iritation completely. He hated being told what to do and his immediate direspect for authority in general (despite his own insistance on it) kicked in. He slowly turned round, but under duress, and not with good grace. He bit his lip. "What can I do?" he asked, eyes narrowed, face clearly unhappy.
Sirius met his gaze, there was no challenge, no defiance. He was just here, resolved to his lot, and fate. "Nothing. It's my battle Severus. Oh well, I suppose you could play the part of loving and concerned partner, but it's not you Severus. You can't do that sort of thing." he said, then realizing how that came out, he winced, and reached out, placing a hand on Severus' thigh. "What I mean is... The way MOST people deal with this is a program with lots of support and emoting from loved ones. I know you love me, I know you care, but I also know you can't do that, not even for me." he continued. Then shaking his head, he sighed. "I am a manic-depressive as a result of post traumatic stress." he muttered. "So says my therapist in Hogsmeade." he explained, then shrugged. "I can't be fixed Severus, only maintained."
Severus wanted to hunt down and personally flay alive whoever the hell was responsible for this, and then barbecue their remains before feeding them to the hippogriffs by hand. He thought as much. Rather loudly in fact. But who was it responsible? Peter Pettigrew mainly, and he was dead. The Aurors and the Ministry? He could gut that stupid Fudge, seve him right, or at least make his life hell. And Albus for letting them do it in the first place... Revenge and plotting thereof came easily to him. He let himself dwell on that rather than his inadequacies in other areas for the meantime. "Just tell me who and I make their life hell," he said, and meant it. "Just say the word and they won't SLEEP..."
Sirus blinked, confused, and stared at Severus. "I don't understand you Severus. Whom? There is no one you can exact revenge upon." he said calmly as he realized what he thought Severus meant, then moved his hand from thigh to hand, and squeezed Severus' tightly in his own. Severus' was cold, as usual, and his was warm, just slightly moist. "There is no one to blame, unless you count me..." he said wearily. "It's my battle, my disease Severus." he cooed almost, then leaned over and touched the tip of his nose to the side of Severus's neck, pushing through black hair, and inhaling long and slow. "Remember that Psalm Severus, 'God grant me the serenity....' it's the first thing I was taught, and I think, you need to learn it as well. You aren't God Severus Snape. You can't fix everything with the wave of a wand or the contents of a cauldron, and .... I don't mind."
Someone did you wrong, you did them wrong back. Do good unto your friends and bad unto your enemies. That was what Snape had learned- and what he lived by. It made sense to him. That way all the scales were level- or should be. He curled his toes in his shoes to stifle his need to DO something, to sort this out. Justice. That was what his mind screamed, even if Sirius didn't want it. He'd take this to heart just like he did everything else and one day, one day he would extract payment- from somewhere. But he didn't air that now, not when it seemed... well, what? That they weren't going to kill each other tonight? He squeezed back at Sirius' hand, moved his face around to bump noses. "I don't think I'm God." And if I ever do, kill me. "But I don't like NOT being able to. I should." He bit his lip. He hated not being in control of situations. Of anything. He didn't think he believed in a god or anything he could let be in command, ultimately... That wasn't for now, he assured himself. Later. Everything was later.
Sirius rubbed the tip of his nose against Severus', then a flick of a pink tongue slashed across his thin lips, just a taste, then was gone as he pulled back and reached both hands up to pull his long hair back from the sides of his face, gather it into a bunch, then let it drop down onto his back. "I would drop and genuflect to your graven image when you become a God Severus Snape." he joked, "Me and the rest of th world wise enough to fear you, your power, your intellect...." he preached, then with a terrible grin, added, "Your atrocious breath in the morning...."
"I don't see why you're waiting until I become a God," Severus said, smothering his smirk with an idle yawn, pulling his hand from Sirus' only to let it slip casually onto his thigh. He sniffed, loudly, blinked slowly, lazily, tilting his head slightly to an angle, following Sirius' face until his lips hung close, a steady rumble coming from somewhere in his chest. "If my breath smells bad it is only because I've had a mouthful of dog..." he said, laughed silently. "Hmm... cats were worshipped as gods, ravens feared as bringing death and dogs? Oh yes, dogs were strangely absent from ancient pantheons..."
"A dog, a jackal specifically, was the Lord of the Underworld, Anubis to the ancient Egyptians," he corrected with a half-lidded lazy gaze. "Sirius is the largest star in the constellation Canis Major, Cerebus was the three headed dog, guarding the Pits of Hell," he said with a twisted bit of a grin, "Fluffy to this friends. Then of course there is The Graveyard Grim, Lassie and Rin Tin Tin..." he smirked triumphantly. "Touche, old man...."
"Jackals are not dogs," Severus smirked. "And Isis and Osiris had him well leashed." He shook his hair, "The dog star is linked to illness and disease, and is only one of many stars visible in the nothern hemisphere, Cerberus was tricked by Herackles... and Lassie doesn't count," he said, and leaned back, examining his nails. "You think I didn't pay attention in class hmmm?"
Sirius snorted, and playfully pushed against Severus with his shoulder. "Bastard..." he hissed playfully, then glanced around as if looking for something. "Well, as soon as I find my cane, I suppose since I am the only VIABLE dog around here, I should set about marking territory... Seems I have been quite lax on that as of late..." he mused.
"No, my blood is blue... and pure," Severus teased back. "I think you meant 'git'," he supplied, helpfully, with a raise of thin, black eyebrow, finishing his examination of his fingers. He shuffled about a little, and looked for the cane too. "Hm, please don't, it took the House elves weeks to clean out the smell last time and I think the yukka plant never recovered..."
Sirius made a non commital grunt as he continued to look around then not seeing his cane he snorted, then growled, "Accio Cane!" There was a rattle from under the large bed, then as Sirius held out his hand, the cane flew into his hand. He gripped the handle in his right hand firmly, and tapped the tip on the floor idly. "So... what now then?" he asked as he looked down at the floor.
"The toilet if you need it that badly," Severus said, before getting up, straightening his legs as he did so, and brushing his robes behind him again, arranging them properly. He turned to watch Sirius, but did not offer assistance unless he knew it would be needed or asked for- just staying where he could give it for now. He shrugged slightly. "Although I am sure you could eat for England again, I have not long since supped. My work for the day is done..." For once. All of which sounded a little stupid. "Was there anything you wanted?"
Sirius slowly slid down from the bed, testing the tenacity of his legs before putting his weight on them and the cane. One he was settled and balanced on three legs, he shook his hair back out of his eyes again, and looked over at Severus, his impeccable posture, and his question. "Would having you up to your balls in me be asking too much?" he asked with a dangerous smirk and a wink.
Severus' dark eyes half-closed, lashes brushing against high cheekbones. Nose lifted, he replied archly, rolling out his words liquidly, and slinking out the room before Sirius, purposefully provocative. He looked over his shoulder, "Hmm, are you up to it?" he asked, brushing imaginary dust from that shoulder, before looking back up. "If you are, I suppose it depends on whether you're a good boy or not." Then he walked out the door, knowing he'd be followed anyway, but not able to pass up the opportunity to tease further. What did you expect from him?
Sirius rolled his eyes, and snorted at Severus' comments. "I am alwasy up for a shag, no matter how sorry a state I am in. Call it a gift..." he chuckled, and followed Severus out of the room, and to where ever he might be leading.