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April (moody_blue) wrote,
@ 2004-11-28 21:38:00
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    Current mood: annoyed

    another drop off...
    Right now things are so messed up. Most of the time, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. My relationship with bf is falling apart. We've been together for 9 months and about 6 of those months has been pure ****. It's my fault I suppose. I'm so moody and sometimes I know why I'm moody but I can't explain it to him. It's like he doesn't try to understand what I'm saying. Or maybe he just doesn't want to understand. Or maybe I don't even want him to. He's always asking me what's wrong but when I try to tell him he gets all mad at me like I'm trying to place the blame on him and I'm not. I just want to be heard. I feel like I'm not being heard at all. I feel like everything is so messed up that it can't be fixed and I just want to be away from him. But we live together and I can't move out because I have no where else to go. The apartment's in my name though. I shouldn't have to leave. But he won't. I tell him to leave. I tell him that I wish he would leave. I tell him I hate him and wish I'd never met him and he still will not go. I know I shouldn't say those things because I know it hurts him but sometimes I say those things because I intend to hurt him. I get some kind of morbid pleasure from seeing him cry. It actually makes me smile sometimes.

    Sometimes I want to be so close to him but at the same time I wish I were on the other side of the world. When he ignores me, I like it. I feel like I'd love him more if he hated me. Why? I know this sounds stupid but it's truly how I feel right now. Not just right now. 99% of the time I feel this way. He's smothering me. He wants to be with me every second of the day. He's always kissing me and hugging me and hanging all over me. I can't do anything alone. He's so demanding. He wants me to be his house-wife and I'm not his wife. I'm his girlfriend. I don't want to be a wife to anyone. Never have, never will. I feel like he's trying to turn me into someone that I'm not and I just want out of it. I love him but I hate him. I want to be a couple with him but I don't want to live with him. He thinks we can't stay together if we live seperate. I have no privacy. I can't do anything for myself. Everything I do is for him or if I do actually get to do something for myself it's only because it benefits him in some way. He's so dependent and it's driving me crazy. He's like a little kid sometimes. So needy, so dependent, so helpless. He's always wanting sex. I never do. I hate sex. I hate the way it makes me feel. I don't like to be touched. I feel like I'm being invaded. My body is mine. To me, sex is just uncomfortable and messy and I have no desire for it. But he gets upset at me when I don't do it. He says I don't love him or I would. I can't get it through his thick skull that loving him has nothing to do with it. Sex doesn't mean love and love doesn't mean sex. That's how I feel. I've always been pressured for it. By every guy that I've ever been with. You give it to them once and that's all the want from then on. I want to be with someone who can respect me and not expect that. Someone who can love me and let me love them without having to prove it through sex. I've come to despise the idea. I never have fantasies anymore. The idea makes me sick to my stomach.

    I'm so moody and obsessive that I can't get anything done. I clean constantly but nothing ever feels clean enough. Everyone that comes over says they've never seen a home so clean but when I look at my apartment I see junk and clutter and dust and everythings so out of place. Nothing fits. I can't even stand being there because I feel so trapped. I actually feel smothered by it. It's overwhelming sometimes. It takes me all day to clean one room. I clean one room a day because I can't seem to get things right. I mop my floors twice everytime I mop. When I'm at home, I constantly clean. When I'm away from home, I constantly think about needing to be at home cleaning. I can't make it stop.

    I just want to relax. I want to rest. I feel so exhausted inside but I can't stop my mind. It keeps going. My thoughts are constantly racing so fast from one thing to another that I can't remember what I was even thinking about. I have no memory anymore. I can do something and then five seconds later forget that I did it. If I put something somewhere, I can never find it. I forget important dates that I would otherwise remember. What is going on with me? I was doing good but now I feel like I just can't go. I feel like I'm stuck in this spot and everything around me is going crazy but and I have no control over it. I feel so out of touch with everything. Like I'm on the outside of it all. I don't feel like I'm even in my body. I feel like I'm standing outside of my body telling it what to do but it won't listen. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to be looked at, or spoken to and I don't want to talk. I don't want to eat but yet I'm so hungry. I don't want to sleep but I'm so tired. I want to sleep but I have things I need to get done. How can I want to sleep but not want to sleep at the same time? How did I get so screwed up? This hurts so bad inside but I feel like I deserve it. And I hurt him so bad because of it but I feel like he deserves it because he can't help me. He doesn't know how to. I know he doesn't know how to but yet I still expect him to? Someone please help me figure something out. I'm about to lose my mind. Somethings got to change before I put myself in a hospital somewhere. I've got to get away from this. It's driving me insane. I can't find any help. Well, I can but I can't stick to it. I miss my doctor's appointments. I won't take my meds. I don't want to sit for an hour every week telling someone this stuff because I've done it for years and it's got me nowhere. Maybe that's why I've just give up and stopped everything. That and the fact that I have no time to just focus on myself so I can get better. I just want to focus on me for a while. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish by just wanting to think about myself for a change and say to heck with everyone elses needs for a while?



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