"What the dilly-yo? You some mutha-fuckin' clone of me, some Liquid Snake-shit goin' on?" I axe the other me.
"No, I'm not your clone," says this weak-ass dude who looks just like me and is wearing the same clothing.
"Evil Robot Dupli..."
"Or an evil robot sent from the future to replace you. We just happen to share a physical resemble, now get along, civilian," he says.
"I ain't no civilian, I'm a kick-ass Monster Killer for the Catholic Church!"
"Well, you church guys don't have to worry about this. I'm a Monster Killer for the CIA," says 'Bill' as he shows me his ID.
"Government, eh? I didn't know my doppelganger was an atheist," I says.
"I'm not your doppelganger, and I'm not even an atheist, either. I just don't feel that my religion has to consume every aspect of my life. I'm a Lutheran."
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to track those werewolves back to their subterranean lair," says 'Bill.'
"Hey, you can sit back, Luthie. A real man is now on the case to take care of this."
"Look, I'm sorry that you had to get dragged in this but this campus invasion is just the latest in a rash of attacks over the last several months over the entire country. This is a federal investigation, you don't need to be involved," 'Bill' said with a smug tone.
"Don't give me any of that juris-my-dick-tion crap, lookalike," I enunciate, "Lots of good Catholic folks are in danger and it's my duty to protect them and if you have a problem with it, you can take your 96 thesis and shove em up your ass!"
"What the Hell is that even supposed to mean? Do you actually put effort into making your insults that stupid? I don't want to do this but if you refuse to cease and desist, I'll make sure that the local authorities keep you under watch until after this thing is done."
"Fine," I says, "Since you want to run this investigation like Burger King, you can have it your way."
Goddamn, I hate that fucking prick, Bill. Just cause he works full-time and has a sweet dental plan, he thinks his shit don't stick. Well, he doesn't get the real benefit package, I'm talking about actually having your soul saved. I'll know that I'll have the last laugh in the afterlife but goddammit he's pissing me off while we are still on this mutherfuckin mortal coil. He is quite attractive though, man, he's got a nice ass but that's cause he stole my ass, I hate that guy. The nerve of that cunt rag, using his pussy little earthly-authority to push me away from the case. Just because of his strong-barrel chest and his striking brown eyes that you could just stare at forever and those masculine hands and that fucking huge-ass penis. He must die!
"Bishop, there has got to be something you can do about this?" I axe.
"I just got the call from the CIA, you can fight the werewolves as long as there are on Church property like the University but once they go off, it's the Fed's discretion. And they don't want us involved," said the Bishop.
"Man. This totally blows and shit," said me.
"While I don't agree with your choice of words, I must admit that I agree with the spirit of your statements," said the Bishop, "At least the CIA told us where the werewolves enter the campus from their underground tunnels. Tomorrow, we will send a general patrol team in to watch over the access points and that should probably be enough security for the campus. You can pack on up and head home, you, well, you gave it a good try."
I head back to my dorm room and begin to pack my stuff up. Man, I had some wild and crazy times here at campus. Like that time I jumped at that heretic Economics professor or that time I played that lame trivia game. And, oh man, the friendships I've built here will last a lifetime, like that big-tittied Margaret or that one dude Mike who always wanted to hang out with me and that Economics professor I punched. We could always have a good time hangin' out like that time we played that lame trivia game or that time I shot a werewolf after that lame trivia game. Who could forget this room that was my friggin' home? I remember the time when I un-packed in here and then I remember the time I came in here to pack and started to reminess about the wild and crazy times here on campus. Like that time I jumped...
I was shocked out of my rememberance of the good times when I suddenly heard a scream. Now, my finely-tuned ears could tell that this wasn't any kind of normal 'Oh-no-I-dropped-a-cookie' scream, or even a, 'Oh-no-I-passing-a-kidney-stone-out-of-m
"Whoa, where'd you learn to jump like that?" Mike asks me.
"Super Mario Bros. 3!"
"What? Oh, I'm not even going to bother at this point," says Michael as I blow his mind, "You've got to hurry those beasts took Margaret?"
"You know, the girl we played Trivial Pursuit with?"
"Not really getting it."
"The one who has strong religious values."
"Emm, I kinda remember her. It's pretty fuzzy, though."
"Ugh. Do you remember the 'chick' with the 'big-ole-titties," says Michael, "Hello?" I'm not there anymore cause at that point, I've already headed down to save her.
I know the bishop is gonna have my ass for this but sometimes you gotta play by your own rules. So what if my jurisdiction extends only to werewolves defiling the Lord's property. Well, every good Catholic gives themselves over to God as His property and I'm going down there to save Margaret and make sure that I'm the only one who defiles that piece of Holy real estate.
Hmm, this underground lair is really big. So I start scouting the grounds in a pattern that would make it appear like I was lost but in actuality was my meticulously-planned random planning-type plan search. It obviously worked cause I started hearing some voices coming from below me on another level.
"Soon, the full moon will be at it's apex and we can begin the final sacrifice," said some goddammed werewolf, "My dear, your virgin blood will spill and bring an end to the mechanized chaos that is man!"
"You monster," said a voice that sounded like it came from the same body that had that amazing rack that had captivated my heart and shit, "You will burn in Hell!"
"Oh, trust me, sweetie, you will soon see what Hell is like," said the werewolf.
I heard some rustling and it sounded like most of the werewolves had left. I take a quick peek in and see that they've only left behind two guards. Simple. I pop off the first one with two-rounds to his feral skull then I dive-tackle the other one and puree his intestines at point-blank range.
I see Margaret is strapped onto some weird ritualistic stand with a pentagram painted below it. Damn, she looks pretty hot all tied up like that. But then I remember that there is more of them werewolves to fight so I run over to untie her.
"I can't believe it, you have saved me again," says Margaret, "Are you an Holy Angel in the Lord's service?"
"Nope," I says, "I'm just a dude who puts in 20 hours a week for Him. We are running out of time, get back to the surface."
"Okay, and, thank you," says Margaret as she gives me a peek on the cheek.
At this point, I'm kinda dazed by that kiss, not only that but her chest rubbed up against my arm when she leaned it so I got really distracted. I guess while I was standing there some werewolves came up from behind and jumped me.
Next thing I know, I'm starting to return to consciousness. Man, it really hurts when werewolves give you a concussion.
"So, you must be the infamous Bill that's been hunting me for these last few months. You've played a good game, full-time Monster Killer. In fact, you have presented us with a little problem related to our final virgin sacrifice," says the werewolf I had heard before.
"Wait, Master Uru," says another werewolf, "I sense another sacrificial candidate."
"Really," says um? Uru, "Who is it?"
"The virgin is? the Monster Killer!"
"Hold on a minute there, chief," I says, "It's just that I've gotten so much action that I'm overloading your senses or something."
The heathen werewolf priest comes over and lays his hand on my forehead, "No, I was right. The only touch this boy has had on his genitals is by his own hand."
"Hands," I says, "I like to switch it up every now and again."
"Then so be it," said Uru, "The death of the man who has been untouched by any woman, even a really fat one, shall bring about our domination of the Earth."
"Hey, I was just saving myself for marriage or until I got some chick really crunked." Then, I think I got hit on the head and blacked out again.
As I regained consciousness again, I thought that maybe I could still get out of this and that they wouldn't sacrifice me. Then, I noticed that I was chained to that whole sacrificial altar that they had chained Margaret to earlier so I'm pretty sure that I'm screwed at this point. Actually, I haven't been screwed at this point and that's my real problem.
"Mankind is a disease. Infecting everything that it touches with it's society. So-called cities consume nature and twist the Earth into perverse shapes of pollution and buildings. You view my condition as a werewolf as a curse, I consider it a blessing from Gaia, herself to bring me and my followers back in tune with nature. Once the ritual is complete, we werewolves will be permanently transformed, casting off our human shells forever. Then, we shall destroy the foul civilization of man, for it will be the era of the wolf!" Following Uru's speech, a bunch of his lackeys started howling.
"Dude, you must be fucking toking every 15 minutes, you twisted fucker," I says.
"I expected more from my nemesis, Bill. From afar you seemed so cunning, someone I could actually admire. But now, I see that up-close, you are just another pitiful human," said Uru, "Now kill the Virgin!"
"Oh thanks, go ahead and let everyone know. You must be a major cock-blocker out at the bars."
The werewolves slowly move in with their intricate and sharp-ass blades when all of a sudden, shots rang out from none other than my hated-enemy, that pig-fucker 'Bill.'
"Here's a present from Uncle Sam," says 'Bill' as he tosses a grenade. That sounds so stupid, it's not like these are foreign werewolves. God, I hate this guy.
'Bill' goes through and shoots up 6 of the werewolves with his MP-5, that cheater using an automatic weapon. Where's the challenge in that one? Then some werewolf tries coming up from behind him so the Lutheran dick pulls out a sword and slices the werewolf into two. Ooh, so he knows how to weild some steel. Tell me when I'm supposed to be impressed. 'Bill' snaps the necks of two more werewolves using his sexy biceps but those werewolves looked like they didn't drink enough milk so their neck bones were probably like really brittle already. The rest of the werewolves scatter and Uru heads down a secret passage.
"I've got to stop Uru before he escapes and starts the ritual all over again," says 'Bill' as he comes over to untie me.
"Well, I could have done all that. I was just waiting for the opportune time. Thanks for coming in and busting up my master plan," I says.
"Which was what? Dying and bringing about the end of mankind," said 'Bill'. I was about to bust off a real good quip when he continued, "I don't have time to argue with you, church boy. I've got to stop Uru before he escapes, I know I'm going to regret this but I need back-up. Take this gun."
"Wow, you guys have customized Desert Eagles. Swe? I mean, I guess it will do," I says as I'm forced to make a temporary alliance to stop that goddammed Uru.
Me and fake-me run down the secret passage after Uru until we reach what must have used to be a subway station. There are still comes trains being stored here that didn't get transferred over from when this place was an active stop.
"Ah, so Bill. I must admit, I am shall I say, dually impressed," said Uru from somewhere in the darkened station, "You sent in a weaker stand-in to get me off-guard so you could attack."
"Wait a minute," I said, "I'm the original, he's the copycat. I got this coat two years ago!"
"I don't care whose who. Soon you will both die," says Uru as he grabs me and throws me across the room.
"Hah, you weak thing," Uru said.
"So what if you were able to beat that copy cat," said the hated 'Bill', "You can't handle the real thing."
Uru leaps out in front of 'Bill' happens to get off a lucky shot straight into Uru's chest. "Don't you see," says Uru, "Even though I was unable to complete the ritual, the power of the other sacrifices flows in my veins, I'm still more than powerful enough to take you out."
My doppelganger leaps up and kicks Uru in the chest and Uru falls down. Pah, that's just cause I weakened Uru, see Uru probably threw out his back when he tossed me across the room. Uru gets back up, grabs 'Bill's' arm and chucks him towards the rails.
"Nice try, Full-Time Monster Killer but it's still not enough," said Uru as he punched 'Bill' in his gut. Well, less of a gut, more of a cute little belly that just made him look more manly.
"You may be able to defeat me but you will never defeat the USA," said my idiotic clone.
"Oh, that's so funny. I'm going to take such delight in crushing your skull," said Uru, "I'm so naughty."
Then, the lights on one of the trains came on, who is in the driver's seat? None other than me, Phil, the original Monster Killer. "It's okay that you're bad. You're having subway for lunch!"
I push the train into high-gear and hit Uru head-on causing his carcass to spray off into little pieces everywhere. Oh, and I guess 'Bill' manages to leap out of the way to safety, oh goodie.
"Wow, you didn't do so bad back there," said 'Bill.'
"Yeah, and I guess you did a decent job of getting your ass kicked while I saved the day," I says.
"Maybe we don't have to be rivals. Just look at what each of us is capable on our own, just imagine what it would be like if we actually worked together," said 'Bill.'
"Hmm, that's a possibility," I said, "Or else, I could just say, Fuck you, you goddammed wannabe-me asshole."
"Damn, you are about the poorest excuse for a religious man that I have ever seen?"
"You questioning my faith, you hunky cunt-rag?"
"Wait, that's hilarious," said that dickweed as he started to laugh, "You actually think you are a good Catholic."
"Hell-yeah, I am."
"Let's see, you display pride, gluttony, sloth, anger, greed, envy, and lots and lots of lust. Where do these high morals, come in?" axed 'Bill', "Have you seen how real Catholics act, their nothing like you. You are a joke, maybe you should take a long, hard look at yourself before you go around judging others."
"Damn, you are pissy. What is it? Haven't gotten laid in a while?"
"Um, you were the one who just had his virginity announced in front of a hundred werewolves less than an hour ago? Now, if you excuse me, I have to go. I have a date with some girl named Margaret. She sure has some nice big-ole titties," said 'Bill' as he walked away.
DAMN YOU, BILL!!!!!!!!
Post a comment in response:
|© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.|