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So I was heading out to buy Black Dog on DVD after watching it on HBO when all of a sudden, I notice that there is a message on my goddammed answering machine. Turns out the bishop wants me to head downtown to the church, pronto. Now I'm at the church. "Sup, Bishop." I says. "Hello, Monster Killer." "So, have you ever seen Black Dog?" "The reason I called you down here is that there have been a rash of disappearances in the area recently and the evidence appears to suggest werewolvic activity." "Yeah, I know, I've been busting my balls out there trying to slay them mutherfuckin' bitches." "Uh-huh," continues the Bishop as he brings out a chart, "At first the growth seemed sporatic, limited to areas by comic book shops and spinsters but the area of infection has grown. The most alarming trend to this increase of activity has been the massive explosion of missing persons cases on the Rosary College campus. This is one of the finest Catholic educational structures in the world and dark creatures are now trying to attack us at our very core." "Damn, B. Send me in there and I'll cut those Lassie-rejects down to size in time for us to all watch Black Dog tonight!" "It's not that simple. These werewolves are using advances covert tactics, making offensive moves only during those times when individuals are isolated from one another. These werewolves know our standard patrol patterns, only you have been marginally effective in raiding their assaults as you don't follow any pattern and just seem to wander around." "Yeah, that's cause me? tactical genius." "Unusual werewolves call for an unusual plan. We are going to send in an undercover monster killer into the campus in order to rat out the menace." "Rats? I thought they was goddammed werewolves. I ain't dealing with no hybrid cross-species bestiality shit." "No, that's a metaphor," the Bishop said as he brought up the roster, "Unfortunately, most of our monster killers are either on-assignment or do not fit within the appropriate age-profile for this mission. This left me with one choice, our covert operative, who must go blend into a crowd of Catholic School students and go entirely undetected. That monster killer is you." "Fuck yeah! No one will have a clue that I ain't an average college student." I was Hella-pumped for this assignment! My chance to get a real education for once. See, I have a true Catholic spirit but I lacked the true Catholic cash to pay for the true Catholic tuition so instead I had to go to a heathen State University where I got a lackluster education with my History major and my certificate in Womyn's Studies. Even though I went to a public school, I still made sure to show my Catholic roots by arguing with the professors when it came to the heretical sciences such as evolution and economics. So here I am in my first class, all of the students are dressed in some boring suits. Damn, I didn't know we were supposed to dress up, I just wore a t-shirt and some shorts that are a little worn through in the crotch. Some dude comes and sits by me, "Welcome, friend. You must be new. My name is Michael" "Sup." "So what brings you here?" "Just want to explore my faith and learn and shit." "Hmm? let me give you a few tips. First of all, naughty language like that will send the wrath of the Lord down upon you. Second, you should probably get some new clothes. That t-shirt doesn't really fit in with our professional image, what does your shirt say? 'Monster Killer Convention '03.' Were you a roadie for one of those Satanic-metal bands like Limp Biskit or the Rolling Stones?" Aw, crap. This shirt could give me away, damn, I should really get some non-promotional shwag shirts sometime. So I'm sitting there naked to my waist getting all cold when some ladies walk in. "Damn, dude. Did you look at them? I think my cock is gonna explode." "Oh, I try not to look at girls, any carnal thoughts for longer than three sections and I'm dammed for sure. Those three are all nursing majors and engaged to their boyfriends of six years." Yeah, so I could just stare at that hot Catholic poon-nanny all day when, who walked in, none other than the hottest chick ever. "Holy shit! That bitch has such big titties it must take her an hour to do the sign of the cross," I says as the girl looks back at me and stares at my chiseled physique. "That's Margaret. She is the sweetest girl here, boy she really loves the lord. She is in the choir and is studying to be a nurse." "I thought those other girls were studying to become nurses." "They are all studying to become nurses," says Michael. Margaret comes down and sits by us, "Hi, Michael." "Hi, Margaret," Michael says as his face gets all red. It's not that hot in here. "Sup, girl. How you doin?" I says. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" she axes. "Funny story, I was walking down the street and I gave it to, let's say, a Puerto Rican hobo." "Wow, that's charatable." She says. "Duh. I know," I says. "You know," says Margaret as she has an image of recognition in her eye, "You look a lot like someone else I know." Then our Professor walks in and says, "Welcome, class. I hope you are ready for our first lecture into Economics." "You got yourself kicked out the class!" yelled the bishop over the phone. "The professor started talking about the Invisible Hand which is obviously a craven image, the dude was obviously a werewolf desguised as a member of the faculty in order to, I don't know, plan attacks or something." "You were supposed to sit back and monitor activities not disrupt the entire college. Do you even know what the term 'discreet' means?" "Of course I know dis-skreet. When somebody wants directions to the Walgreens, I tell 'em to turn left and then it is up on dis-street." "Ugh. Have you made any progress assimilating into the student population?" "Oh yeah, I've been keeping a close one on this one smokin' babe Margaret and this one dude, Michael, he's kinda a tool but in his heart, I feel he's a good Catholic, just a little misguided." "All right, keep an eye on the situation and try not to have anymore disruptions." "Check." "Hey, you are that one guy," says some dude. "No, I'm not the dude who assaulted that Hellbound professor," I says. "No, not that guy. You look just like Bill," he says as he walks on. "Bill?" I ponder as I see Michael. "Hey, Mikey!" "Oh? um? hello? again, what's your name, again?" "Phil, Part-Time Mon? Part-Time Monkey-type-um-lawyer doodle washing windows, yeah something." "Okay," says Michael, "Well, I'll see you around." "Wait, it's Friday night? Aren't we going to party-hardy?" "Well, some friends and I were going to play some board games." "Alright, that's kinda-lame. But I'll come." "Oh, goody." So, a big group of us all is playing Trivial Pursuit in teams of two. Everyone who is there is with their fianc?e and the only single ones are Michael, me, and that really hot bitch Margaret. So, I suggest that in all fairness, Margaret and I should just duck out of the game and go to her room. But Michael says that we should form a team of three. This is when I learned that Trivial Pursuit is really boring. After the first game, I'm ready to slam a hammer into my dick. "Damn, when are we going to get some booze?" I says "Phil, this is a dry campus," says Michael. "Right, it's so dry that I could use a drink." "No, we don't drink here," says Margaret. "Oh, fuck my tits!" says me. "Such foul language from these goodie-goodies," says a werewolf as he jumps in the window, "I can smell your pure blood." "All I can smell is some rank nasty-ass shit-eatin' werewolf." "Hah! You may pretend to be strong but I know that you will beg for your mercy soon just like the rest of these Catholics." "I? don't know about that," I says as I whip out my .45 and bust a silver cap in his ass. "Oh my, you felled that beast," says Margaret. "Your juices flowing now, baby?" I says. "What?" "Don't you want to do it, now?" "Heavens, no. I'm saving myself?" "Saving yourself?" "For my future husband," she says "Then you are a? You all are?" I just figured out why the werewolves were attacking comic book stores, spinster apartments and people who read this blog. I start running down to the church to pass my info down to the bishop when, all of a sudden, 8 werewolves jump out. Now normally, I could handle this shiznit but I go up to kick one when he grabs my foot and throws me to the ground. Damn, somehow these werewolves are hyper-mega-powered and shit. "This one will make a wonderful sacrafice," says one of the werewolves. Then, a mysterious voice utters, "I? am not entirely positive that your previous statement was correct." This figure jumps down and kicks the crap out of one of the werewolves. The rest of them run off in fear. "You look like you could use a hand, son," says the figure as he pulls me back to my feet. I take a look into his face and see, none other, than goddammed muther-fuckin? me. "WTF?" I axe. "My name is Bill, Full-Time Monster Killer!" - To be continued... sometime - Post a comment in response: |
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