The missions over these holiday weeks have been pretty mundane with the exception of this mission I had up in Canada. See, I was drivin' along to Schkatche... Sch-at-che, let's say I was going to Alberta when all of a sudden, the lights on my car start a flickerin.' This is some bad news, dude. I was out in the middle of nowhere at this point and even if I could find, like, a Mountie or something, I don't really think he could fix my car since Canadians have yet to develop that level of technology. Eventually, my car just totally dies out and I pull over at the side of the road. I get out of the car and pop the hood and it is none other than some mutha' fugging gremlins.
"Sup?" I ask and get no response, so I go, "What the Hell is you doing there, Gremlin?"
The gremlin chooses not to respond and instead runs his claws through my chest. Now, I is mightly angered that he lacked the politeness to explain himself or even say hello but then I also realized that perhaps I was simply not versed in the ways of gremlineze and this was gremlin for hello. Then I looked down at my bleeding torso, I realized that the gremlin had not only acousted my flesh but also this really kick-ass sweater that my grandma had knitted for me with a reindeer on it. Cultural custom or not, no shit-eatin' gremlin is gonna defile a symbol of a grandmother's love for her adorable grandchild and get away with it. So I go up to the gremlin and procede to punch that gremlin right in the face. That gremlin goes down pretty easy but unfortunately, the ruckus of the fight had alerted his 16 gremlin buddies.
The 16 gremlins start ganging up on me and it looks pretty bad for me until who comes along, none other than a friendly Yeti! See, Yetis are the natural enemies of gremlins. Together, me and the Yeti start pummeling the gremlins into submission. One gremlin gets in a lucky scratch on the Yeti's back and I'm worried that my new buddy is hurt but then the Yeti turns around, picks up that last offending gremlin and throws him clear to the former Soviet-republic of Georgia.
Now, I've got rid of that gremlin problem but my car still isn't running. The Yeti takes a look at it and through a complicated mixture of gestures and snow drawings, tells me that it is a problem that my battery is dead. I pull out some jumper cables but then I remember that the closest car is in North Dakota. That Yeti has another idea, as he hooks up the jumper cables to his very nipples, and damn if that car doesn't start. I start heading back to the states and bid farewell to my good buddy the Yeti.
Once I got back to my apartment, I was excited to read my e-mail as I hadn't read it since I left the country. It wasn't because Canada didn't have internet access, it was just the fact that by law, every e-mail had to be in both English and French since Canada is a bisexual country. French I have no problem with, but there was no way that I was gonna read any e-mail in the language of those crown-hugging, crumpet-humping British. I only read my e-mail in one language, AMERICAN!
So I was all set to go through all of my messages when I click on the first e-mail and then I find out there's a ghost in the machine. A goddammed spectre flies of out my monitor, I chase him around the house with a broom until I finally get him to fly out of a window. I go take a visit to the church. All of the computers are smashed and the bishop tells me that the entire Catholic network is down because some evil entity keeps on sending spirits over the internet to infect our computers. This is not good as a worldwide organization like the Catholic Church is largely dependant upon the information superhighway in order to keep the infastructure functioning at full capability. Plus, I wouldn't be able to check my Catholic Joke-of-the-Day which is usually just about how Lutherans are going to Hell but those never get old.
I decide that I'm going to get my internet access back so I'm gonna purposefully get out another ghost and track it back to it's homebase. So I boot up one of the remaining computers until a message popped up saying, "You've Got Loul Souls." Then a ghost pops out and starts flying around the room. During this time, I reconfigure the main servers so that I can detect his ectoplasmic signal and translate it into a dynamic IP address thus allowing me to use packet sniffing to track the ghost's movement over the internet. I then have the bishop come in and start performing an exorcism ritual, this scares the ghost into jumping back into the computer and hopefully, he will go back to his point of origin. The ghost appears to end up back in Silicon Valley, California.
"Looks like you are headed out west, Monster Killer," says the bishop.
"Better send out the Catholic naval fleet," I says.
"We don't have a naval fleet, besides, why would you need it?"
"You've never heard about the Pirates of Silicon Valley?"
I fly out to California and proceed to find a disturbing lack of pirate-type activity. All, I seem to find are lots of empty warehouses for bankrupt dot com businesses. I'm about to leave when I see some mysterious flashes of light coming from the old pets.com building. I go inside and see two vampires sitting at their workstations drinking blood. I proceed to stake them through the heart with surgical procision. Then, that goddammed sockpuppet dog pops up and I scream and kick it out of blind fear.
"Ow, you kicked my hand, it really hurt."
"What?" I then notice that connected to that hand was a lady, "Sup."
"Hello." Damn, this girl had really greasy hair, some frumpy clothing and smelled like she hadn't bathed in weeks but other than that, I thought she could have been kinda hot. "Hey, why did you kill those two?" she asked.
"They was goddammed vampires!"
"No, they weren't, they were just computer programmers."
"But they were all pale and seemed to be afraid of the sun."
"Oh yeah but why were they drinking blood?"
"One of those California fads, like botox."
As my eyes become adjusted to the dim light of the long-forgotten office, I see pentagrams on the wall and soul-capturing devices connected to X-Serves. "Whoa, why are you doing all of this?"
"Because, you all ignored me since I was so ugly. I was never that good with people so I thought I would just become successful with computers and then I would have friends. But then I was a millionare on the internet and still no one liked me. Now I've lost the money and have nothing to show for it so I'll make you all pay."
"Hey, girl. If you need attention, then there is no need to turn to all of this evil. You is crazy."
"Oh yeah, let's see how crazy I am after I cast a spell which will turn your skin into a sea of maggots."
"Crap, I mean you'd be crazy not to let me help you."
"It's time for a makeover!" So I put on some montage music and take her down to the mall to get a new haircut, some makeup advice, a whole new wardrobe, and lots of tanning.
"See, you were never ugly," I says after the makeover, "You just needed some new self-confidence so that your inner beauty can shine through your outer beauty. So, do you want to go get some dinner?"
"Hell no, you rolled a 14 on that pick-up line and there is no way that is gonna crack through my +2 panty armor. Now that I'm pretty and popular, I'm going to go have a meaningless sexual relationship with a football player."
I was pretty sad that I just got rejected by this now-hot woman but hey, I've got my internet access back, I don't need a woman.
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