Been a long time since I went and posted here, that's because unlike most of these blog folks, I actually have a life. See, I is taking classes so I can get my doctoral degree in paranormal elemenation. See, once I finish the program, you are gonna have to call me Dr. Monster Killer or Dr. Killer fo' short. Damn, Dr. Killer, hope people don't think I'm pro-life.
Last week, after some grueling class-load and shit, I decided to go visit my grandma. She's a good Catholic woman and, henceforth, has had a good, long life but recently she has been feeling under the weather. I thought that I could make her day by taking a trip up to her cottage in the woods and hopefully make her feel a little better.
As I am heading up there, I run into a big ole werewolf. So I goes, "Sup, werewolf?"
"Hey, Monster Killer. Ready to battle to your death?" says the wolf.
I goes, "Nope, I'm ready to battle to your death! Boo-ya! But let's make this quick, I've gotta go visit my grandma."
"Where does she live?"
"Over in that cottage in the woods"
"The one by that PDQ?"
"No, the one down past the lumberyard where all of the lumberjacks work at."
"Why did you ask, werewolf?"
"Just shooting the shit."
"Ahh... now I'm going to have to shoot you, with silver bullets. Boo-ya!"
So I do some backflips towards the werewolf and then I kick him in the nuts. He appears to be hurt, this is probably because I kicked him in the nuts. Let's say, he then leaps back and takes out a powder bomb and goes, "Ninja Vanish!"
Damn, a ninja werewolf, that's a wacky combination, what will they think of next, intelligent Lutherans?
Oh wells, I continue on to my grandma's place pausing to say hi to my Lumberjack buddy, Bill. I get to my grandma's but I'm a little worried cause I think I hear my grandmother yelling out. I'm just hoping she isn't entertaining a gentleman caller who is blessed with a little blue pill. I gingerly knock and she says, "Come in." Being one to always obey my grandmother, I come right on in.
She goes, "Sup, my grandson, Monster Killer."
"How ya feeling?" I ask cause you know, I'm like concerned.
"Oh, I guess you could say that my stomach is upset," she says as she laughes. She always did have a good sense of humor. "Come closer so that your old grandma can talk with you."
"Whoa, granny, did you ever notice how your eyes are all big and shit, you ain't got no cataracts, do you?"
"The better to see you with, my dear," she says as she burps up a bonnet.
"Huh. So you got some pretty big ears too."
"Yeah, the better to hear you with, my dear."
"Wait a minute, you are looking less hairy today. And what's with that big mouth?"
"The better to eat you with."
So, next thing I knows, I'm in that goddamned werewolf's belly. I find my grandmother in there too, turns out that the werewolf ate her in order to pose as her to attack me. Pretty crafty plan, I must say. I'd congradulate that werewolf if I wasn't lodged in his gullet. Since I've got some time on my hands, I talk with my grandmother about what's going on with the cousins and what not, it's a pretty good chat except for the fact that the stomach bile is beginning to burn my legs. Hmm, I'm starting to think that this is going to suck.
Then, who comes to chop me out, none other than my old friend, Lumberjack Bill. After my grandmother and I climb out of the werewolf corpse, I ask Lumberjack Bill how he knew that the werewolf had eaten us. Turns out that he was actually coming to murder my grandmother and steal all of her priceless Catholic artifacts and sell them on eBay. So I calls the cops and he's now serving a life sentence. Boy, sure was good that I stopped to fight that werewolf on the way to Grandma's!
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