Matt Lovato (mlovato) wrote, @ 2003-08-20 18:25:00

I know it's been a while since I updated. Too much shit has happened. So much that I swear my head's going to fucking explode from thinking too much. Let's start from the beginning. I think everyone's heard about that shit that had to do with Joel and Jessica. I guess I should put my own perspective on that because I still think about it but yet I refuse to talk about it with anyone but Mandy. Only because for a while, we were both in the same boat. I'm not sure about now but whatever.

I'm never going to say who told me about it, but I'll say this, the moment I heard about it, it fucking killed me. Like someone glued my feet to the pavement and proceeded to fucking run me over with a two-ton truck. I'm fucking scared. I'm scared to fucking lose her because I love her. Fuck yeah, I'm paranoid that I'm going to lose her to someone like Joel. Married or not, he does have plenty more to offer her. What do I got? Nothin'. I got nothing to offer except... me. And I don't know if in the long run, that's enough for her.

And no, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous. Why? Cause he's Joel. He's this huge fucking famous guy that all chicks like cause he's so good looking and all that good shit. I mean, these days people don't give a flying fuck if you're married or not, you find someone more interesting, you're gonna want to be with them. Regardless if you're already with someone. People these days will fucking cheat like they were born to do it. It twists a knife in my chest whenever I see 'em talk or hang out or whatever the fuck they do when they're together. It pissed me off hearing them being buddy buddy after I heard about a possibility of them doing things behind mine and Mandy's backs. It really fucking scares me the thought of losing her. I wanted to fucking hit the fuck out of Joel's face and instead I took it out on the one person who was going through the exact same fear.

I'm still fucking worried. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't because I fucking am. Maybe it's irrational to feel this way but that's how I feel. I guess that's why I took a break. Just to get away. I know that if I ever see 'em hang out, I wouldn't be able to watch it So if she's cheating on me with him, or with anyone else, I'd rather not fucking know about it I guess there are just some things I'd rather not know because it would kill me.

I'm sorry I feel this way.

I'm so scared that you will see
All the weakness inside of me
I'm so scared of letting go
That the pain I feel will show
I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to, I'll never stop

I want you to know
You belong in my life
I love the hope I see in your eyes
For you I would fly at least I would try
For you I'll take the last flight out

I'm afraid that you will leave
As my secrets have been revealed
In my dreams you'll always stay
Every breathing moment from now
I know you want to hear me speak
But I'm afraid that if I start to
I'll never stop.

I cannot hold back the truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it's hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more.

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