| Current mood: |  melancholy |
| Current music: | "Without You" ~ Mariah Carey |
That's Just the Way the Story Goes
Today after school I went to hospital to see Jason, cuz I figured I'd have more of a chance to have alone time with him during the day. When I first arrived there, no one was in the room (I had talked to his mom earlier, and she was getting her hair done). I tried to talk to him a little bit, but I could tell he was sleeping, so I didn't wanna bother him too much. After sitting around for a minute, his mom walked in, and nearly scared me. It was just her and me, and it was incredibly awkward. She wouldn't say anything despite my many attempts to make conversation. When she started to pull out a book, I was ready to scream. She then looked at me and said, "It's okay to leave if you wanna." I said, "No, I already feel like I don't come here often enough," so I stayed. After a while of awkward silence (which happened a lot during the visit), I finally said, "I feel like you hate me..." She said she didn't, that everything was just really hard. I kept asking her questions and saying things to try to get her to open up to me, but she never really would. I was telling her how people always kinda dismiss my feelings about the whole situation and downplay how close he and I really were. And that's where I lost it. I started crying trying to tell her all that stuff. I just totally broke down. I was a mess trying to talk to her, and then she started crying some, and it was just rough. I was finally able to get some of my pain out. I tried to talk to her more to kinda explain to her why I've been weird when I visit (since the tears never come), and I told her how I wished she and I had been closer before everything happened. We "talked" for a while. It was just kinda strange the way everything happened. I tried to let her get some of her anger at me and everyone else, but I also let her know that I hurt more than anyone can see. We had this weird bonding-thing going on. Hopefully on my next visit we can talk more, and she'll open up a little more. We'll see.
This Mariah Carey song really makes me think about Jason a LOT, and how I wish he could come back to me. It talks about my feelings about him being gone, as well as me kinda knowing about some of his internal pain he thought I was oblivious to. -----
No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give any more
Well I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
No I
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
I can't live
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