| Current mood: |  stressed |
Not fun.
I'm stressed out, and I can feel it physically and emotionally. I don't want to go back to school. I love my friends, I want to stay here with them. I want to spend my life hanging out with them, I really do. I was thinking today that it would be awesome if Dannie, Alex and I could all live together when we're older.
But yeah. I'm stressed. School, having no money, worrying about the homework I'm going to get, and I SUCK AT TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. Know what I bought today? CHOCOLATE. I willingly bought chocolate; I even put effort into it because the guy had to go in the back and package it for me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I don't need chocolate. Nor did I need to spend money on Japanese food when we went to the oriental grocery store. WHY do I do this?
And why do I get mad at myself for it, instead of just changing the things I do? It's like my behavioral patterns are set in stone. WHY do I have to be like this? Why can't I just force myself to be a better person? GUGHUHU. I'm so stressed out and angry with myself. I have very low self-esteem and confidence. That's why I keep saying I suck; I wouldn't be saying that if I had those things, would I?
I miss David. He's what I need right now. I need an "in-a-good-mood" David to cuddle with and forget things with. I love being with him so much. And it helps, it really does. When we're together, I usually forget about everything I've been stressing and worrying about. Because when we're just thinking about how much we love each other, everything else doesn't seem to matter.
I really miss him. I saw him on Thursday and I already miss him. I must have separation anxiety, I hate being without him. I like having time to myself every once in a while, but I love being around David, or my friends. They're all so amazing. And they can always cheer me up and help me forget about all the bad things that are happening or that I'm worrying about, because having fun is really what should matter most. I don't have enough fun because I'm so stubborn, and worryful, and self-concious, and shy. I wish I had a more outgoing personality, I really do.
I already know that the better I think I look, the better I feel. So I think the best way to make me feel good and self-confident is to lose weight. I hate giving in to this stupid corporate image of beauty, but I really do want to be skinny. Or at least...I don't know. I want to be able to wear a bikini and not feel embarrassed, you know? I want to look better. I'll feel so much better if I look better. I know I will.
I'm kind of ranting here, sorry. Well, actually, no--it's my journal, so I don't need to apologize for writing a lot, because I'm not forcing anyone to read it. So there. :]
There are so many things that I wish. God. I wish I could lose weight easier. I wish Dad and David would apologize to each other so David would be allowed at our house again. I wish I were out of school. I wish I had a career already; one that I love. I wish I didn't have to put up with so much crap. I don't care if I sound like a prissy little spoiled girl; I just want to have a fun and enjoyable life. Why can't that be easier?
I need to be more optimistic. I should start now. What are some things I can tell myself to make me feel better?
You CAN lose weight
You CAN put your mind to it, and eat right and exercise
You CAN get good grades this semester
You CAN balance work and play
You CAN be more outgoing, you just have to TRY
You CAN do anything you want to do
You CAN be yourself and still be an awesome person
I wish I believed those things more.
God, I feel like I'm writing a whole essay here.
I should stop.
It felt good to write a lot. I'm glad I did. Now I just wish I could see David. I need him right now. I want a hug, really bad. And he owes me a backrub.
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