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Ok so hears for a happier entry... mainly cos im denying any issues.. avoiding thinking about my mum etc... My depression has subsided abit... so im not struggling so much.. I think not being totally exhausted mentally and physically is helping... I think i just pushed it too much with all i was doing.. assignments and work and bball etc.. so now that its just work at bball im more stable.. Thats not to say that the simplest thing cant just push me over the edge tomorrow.. but for today im ok... I seem to be more flat, more stable.. in that my highs arent so high.. and therefore when i drop from them the drop isnt so low or bad.. im just kinda stable... which im sooo happy for... I went to grandmas today to celebrate grandad and camerons birthdays.. and oh my god.. i didnt even wish grandad happy birthday.. im such a dickhead.. i saw cam the day after his birthday so im cool there.. but i cant believe it forgot to actually say the words to my grandad... I love my grandparents.. I just wanna hug them and squish them.. and tell them i love them.. but anyways.. i get off the subject.. mum and i minus wayne went to the lunch today.. and well that invited a conversation about how ive been feeling about her and wayne and them moving to WA and them getting married.. and lets just say.. we had to pull up outside the shops for 10 mins before id let her go to grandmas cos i had to give my face time not to look like id just been crying for the last hour... So i guess thats why i was weird at the lunch.. why i was there for 4 hours.. and i dont feel like i did anything... I cant remember anything... i guess i was just in a coma.. and thus why i didnt wish grandad happy birthday.. Im such a dick... I also didnt talk to amy much today.. which is sad.. cos shes a huge part of why i go there.. shes my friend and my relative at the table.. the rest of the ppl are just relatives.. even my mum who used to be my best friend.. isnt anymore.. I wish amy wasnt so far away.. id love to be able to drive and see her in 15 mins.. to take her to the movies with me every time i go by myself.. to go shopping.. to have lunch.. all the cool; stuff friends should be doing.. ohh well one day.. til then theres family lunches.. and i promise to be more social next time.. as long as mum doesnt make me cry before hand..... So yeah, i guess im happy that the chat with mum didnt kill me.. i mean at the time i couldnt even breathe i was crying so much.. but i mean kill me as in put me back into mass depression... So for that i figure my depression is alittle my stable right now.. and it helps me to know that... the rest of my life is ok.. Mel cancelled on me two weekends in a row... which im used too.. but i did hang out with her at bball for 4 hours on monday and that was nice.. havent talked to liz.. havent heard from her.. i deleted her number completely so i cant msg her anyways... I dont really miss her.. mainly cos she hasnt been round for ages.. and two because the new girl down the paddock stacey is looking for someone to ride with and tomorrow were gonna go out for a ride.. and see how it goes.. One of the other girls that moved paddocks is interested in riding out too.. so maybe i can find ppl to ride with and my summer wont be too bad.. Havent spent time with Marc.. nearly decided to ask him to go out tonight... but by the time i got home from lunch i was too tired.. and couldnt be stuffed... I'll see him tomorrow... and i have monday off so you never know.. Im sooo not ready to let go im afraid.. im quite withdrawl these days.. im not sure if its him .. or me.. i do know tho that if it was daniel who liked me.. i probably wouldnt be holding back.. maybe thats it.. maybe im not 100% into him.. and its only for the attention.. so when i get close to going for it.. i talk myself out of it with 100 excuses.. Who knows.. either way.. ive had marc and a boy called sri asking to hang out lately... for weeks in fact and i havent followed through.. I guess i dont know where id fit them in.. and my life style.. my house.. the way i live ... where i live.. my problems.. embarrass me.. im not sure if i could let a stranger in... What else is happening.. cant think of anything... ohh yeah mum thinks her and wayne will be round til june and that they might lower the rent for me when they leave.. both of which will alow me to dave money and well be able to eat when the do leave.. so thats a possitive.. Now that ive refinaced my loan.. and as long as i dont spend my credit again.. ill actually be able to save.. which ive never ever done.. its kinda exciting... Okies.. well ive bored whoevers reading this enough.. I hope your all well.. Love you.. Post a comment in response: |
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