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I think i need to get into the habit of posting on here more.. I guess for a time I felt abit censored cos well my uncle (hi cam) reads this and what i write in here often gets brought up at family lunches infront of ppl i dont wanna share with ie my mum... but for the past month things have been really bad and i feel i need to write...Uncensored... at the very least to keep myself sane... but i do hope that cam reads this and understands that its a privilege in the sense that i chose you.. of those ppl that i know in real life... to read this journal... And i know that you think that personal things can be written in a journal book... but i need to vent on here... i need to know that out there.. ppl who ive never met... actually may read this.. and make a comment and make me feel like someone actually knows i exist.. because in real life i dont have that... i dont exist... and no one is checking up on me to see if im ok.. atleast on here.. sometimes they do... So please read my journal cos i need someone in my life to know the hell im going through... but please... respect that i let only you in... and that if i wanted mum or other ppl to read this then id give them the address... And to Amy... I am so grateful you read this.. and need not say anything to you because you have always understood without me saying so that what i write here isnt meant for the lunch table.. I really do love you both... So now that ive vented my issues on censorship... im gonna bite the bullet and write from this broken heart... hoping that im safe to do so... Last year was hell.. I went though unbelievable hell... mainly to do with the job i worked partly to do with living with mum and her man... and this year despite a few hick ups.. ive been much better... I mean ive had my sook and bitched about a few things but Ive taken off 2 mental health days from work this year in conparison to 15 last year... So i figured my depression was on the mend... However over the last month ive been in agony... the depression is back with a vengenance... and everyday im petrified of what type of mood im gonna be in... Today was an up day... probably too up actually... cos i was petrified i would fall.. and alas.. i have... its the comimg home alone.. to an empty house.. which i must face as a definite possibility for the rest of my life... Lots of things trigger off my depression.. this time round i can pin point the major things... I had two assignments due withing 2 weeks of each other and i procrastinated about them until the night before each one was due, until i finally did them. I had trouble sleeping... and to top it off work was giving me hassles... Anyways after a week of stressing over each assignment.. my body shut down from the stress.. the headaches came back and the depression started... Last weekend was particularly hard as i handed in the assignment on friday morning and then collapsed... Sat morning i woke up so lonely and after consulting my mobile i realised i had absolutely no one to go to.. no one.. So saturday i spent alone.. sat night i fought with wayne (mums bf) and the they spent all night fighting...as they had done friday night... sunday i went to the movies... still massively down... played bball.. where a girl in my team.. who is 17 .. when told that i liked daniel said... 'but hes 18'.. like i was evil for liking a guy who was 18... like i was disgusting and wrong for daring to like a guy her age... I hit a wall... I felt like shit.. i tried to talk to a girl who i email 5 times a day.. and who i have a great relationship with via email but nothing in person... but she was too busy and she left... I cried on my way back to the car... On my way home i got a call from my mum saying her and wayne were engaged... and that was the end... I tried to be happy for her on the phone... but inside my heart was breaking... on the surface.. i dont like wayne much.. he has a permanent attitude problem when im around.. i guess im the daughter who is keeping mum in victoria... im the one she sticks up for.. im the one living in her house and impeding on his life... and i dont like the fact that hes the reason why mums drunk every night... but deeper... it was because... for a second .. that weekend.. with all their fighting i thought they might not last... and that i wouldnt lose my mother.. the only one left ... who hasnt moved to WA... but no... waynes answer to fighting is to get married.. and mum is excited.. and they will move.. and wont have a mum anymore.. and ill be completely and uterly alone... I guess thats the crust of it.. im alone... i literally have not one close friend... no one to hang out with on the weekends... no one to run too if life gets to hard.. i spent today with my friend amy and my uncle cam (theyre married but i just cant seem to call amy my untie cos well shes my friend), and i guess that someone to run too.. but its them not someone... Amy belongs to cameron.. my uncle.. They are close.. im on the outside.. i cant get close.. I need a best friend... its hard to explain.. i did feel better though... being at their house.. but theres a limit to hanging out in wonga park... i cant be there every weekend... theyre married .. they have their life.. and im just the neice... Last summer.. i spent most of it riding with my mate liz... i was sooo happy... liz moved paddocks 2 months ago before she went to europe for a month.. but before she did she promised wed keep riding... etc.. leading up to her going we didnt see much of each other.. she wasnt interested.. always busy etc... shes been back two weeks and ive seen her once... i txt her and she doesnt reply for days... and shes the kind of person to never ever leave her mobile or miss a call... I figured she must be riding so i finally txt her.. and asked her.. she said yeah ive been riding heaps.. im even in a cross country event tomorrow?? I wrote back wow thats amazing... and i guess were not riding together anymore... she wrote back.. well have to see.. im riding in my paddock alot and its too hard to ride to you (we are five mins down the road)... I wrote back yeah paddock riding seems to be the way to go... catch you round... So a two year friendship is gone like that.. my whole summer social life is gone... i stopped riding my horse for 8 years cos i had no one to ride with... she got me on my horse... and ive been loving it for the last 2 years... Im sooo beyond heart broken... She went to cavalcades of fire or something.. the arena show with horses.. which i wouldve loved to go to... she didnt even tell me or invite me... every single horse thing we ever did we did together... So hear i am...i feel better for writting this all down... but im still stuck...and i dont see the end of it... I am soooo utterly alone... So i guess im gona start writing on here... as much as i can... about everything and everything... to try an understand this depression and what sets it off... Its nearly 2am so i should go to bed.. .maybe next time im on here ill try and write down the few things i wanna try .. so i can avoid inviting deeper depression... Nite... Post a comment in response: |
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