mindless rambling
once again life found a way to fuck with me. its been close to forever since ive written anything, but that doesnt mean everythings fine. life still blows, even more than usual, just couldnt get myself to write about it. i guess putting it down on paper means admitting that theres a problem, and we all know i dont admit problems. i wasnt raised that way. even if your life is about to fall apart, you HAVE to pretend that its all perfect. well, fuck that. my life is falling to pieces and i need to get this off my mind. in most current events, i got dimped with a text message, managed to make and lose a great friend, my father lost his job, i realised that im obsessed with a guy with whom i have no chance and i want to kill myself again...this guy is, i dont know how to explain it.i cant have him and its making me crazy. maybe its lust but the problem is that i dont care. i want him, i think about him constantly; its tearing me up from the inside! and yet i cant even bring myself to talk to him. i fear any thought of rejection. everytime i see him, i want to break down crying. when i think about him...i cant think about him...dont want to but cant help it. i dont know what to do. he couldnt care less. and that hurts, but i understand. like i said, im going crazy. the suicide thoughts are back, stronger than ever. i NEED to get out of this house. i need my own place. their rules and restrictions and insane curfew are killing me and they dont see that. ive tried talking to them, but i cant. they dont listen
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