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alisha (meloncollia) wrote,
@ 2003-12-25 16:29:00
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    Current mood: depressed
    Current music:Smashing Pumpkins..Adore.

    The circus is in my pants!
    Christmas day. I have an awful headache... I hate this fucking holiday. i hate it i hate it. Vina promised me should come over and save me, and take me to her house so i could smoke a cigarette... I hate today..i feel the need to go do something. Inyet, i also feel the need to disappear. lock myself into my room, and hope to be forgotten. I hate Christmas. this holiday sucks. and hurt. I had to pretend to be happy last night when i was sourrounded by my emidate family..brothers, sisters, sister-inlaw, mom, dad...etc... i had to pretend to enjoy myself. i am so not good at that. i hate doing anything like that. inyet, i find myself always pretending. I do not like material things.. i opened my presents, and nothing..No joy from it. Also, if this reminder was not enough i had to go to my grandmothers house this morning. Lovely people asking me why i choose to make myself ugly. I had to deal with crap on how i dress, and present myself all day. Thus, my horrible headache. i feel no happyness anymore. Just pain...physical...emotional.. i am so screwed up. I can not even feel joy from such a holiday.. I just wish i could make this feeling stop..i wish i could kill my gray heart... I just feel so cold, and used up.. The only one using me is myself.. i am so broken...and i need help. but i can only help/hurt myself. I JUST CAN NOT STOP THIS. I can not stop myself anymore. i can not control myself. Maybe i do not want to. I do this all to myself..I just do not want anything to change... One good thing that may happen is Jared and i are suppost to do something on sunday.. This could be fun.. Although i wish that would be me and him..just falling asleep next to each other acts in bed. I just wish.. we could keep our hormones in check.. Enough time to just be together... I love that boy..and i wish he loved me too.. but cloven does not love me..Jared does...Jared is someplace underneath..someplace...

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