g (mastascrappla) wrote, @ 2005-08-31 19:04:00

things i've started doing this year, my senior year,
i've started becoming more and more depressed, more sappy, more pathetic, less known, less loved.
i feel like i'm fatter than i've ever been and i feel like everytime everyone looks at me they're thinking "god, shes gotten fat as hell." i know that sounds so lame, but i feel like i'm the most hideous person i've ever seen, and i dont think anyone even knows what the hell is going through my head half the time.

i feel totally disconnected with the people around me. with ALL the people around me. i feel like i'm just trapped inside my little shell and i've seriously just accepted the fact that this is where i'll be forever so i've stopped wearing my nails down from trying to get through the layers seperating me from my world.

i've started listening to elliott smith religiously. i love chai tea so much that i dont even bother going to get free ones at urban coffee anymore, i just bought my own chai and my own soy milk (which i also am in love with) and make it here myself. i've started trying desperately to expan my music selection more (which i am always trying to do, but am now really trying to do).

i'm trying to live up to my reputation of being responsible, of being dependant and someone worthy of being here in all of my roles.

i've started to let go of all of the haunts i have about my mother. even relfecting upon that last entry it stings at my insides that i even wrote that because i'm trying to get over it. i need to keep in mind that it DOES happen, but i also dont think i should be so one-sided about it. i need to give my mother credit for being such a great person and doing all of the things she's accomplished so far in her relatively short life.

i think the reason why i have three different journals is because i have three different versions of my self. i cant just place myself out there for all of you to view, i have to try desperately to appear worthy in your eyes. this is all about you, this is all for you.

i dont know whats going on with me. i keep thinking about how much of a fucking downer i am right now and how i shoudlnt even be in a relationship with anyone right now (i'm not just talking jaime, i'm talking everyone) because i cant even get my own shit together. i'm constantly paranoid and jealous, and i really all together jsut feel even more like shit about myself because of how good i feel about jaime and how i dont fucking deserve him. i've got to get back to my dead journal, i feel a little safer there.

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