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well i figured since it all started here it should probably end here. "started here" meaning metaphorically, im not sure of one thing that actually DID start here... i'm just really upset right now. i have all these big words that i could use in place of "upset" but that pretty much sums it up. there have been so many things... its been a summer... i just dont feel like any of it hit home before this one. there was the thing with my friend shooting herself in the back of the throat with a 45, my friend/son dieing of alcohol poisoning, and now my aunt isn't going to make it through the weekend. notice all of these sentences start with "my" because i'm a selfish bastard who obviously doesnt see things through the eyes of other people. but right now i've been looking at things through the eyes of other people- starting with my aunt. a 2 year old son is going to be motherless by this weekend. he doesnt even know his mom, he doesnt even know this world, he doesnt know much of anything. but all he's going to know is she's going to be gone and hes not going to remember much about her. and he'll never be able to see how good she was to him or how much she cared about him. ofcourse he's spoiled because she doesnt know how LONG she'll have left and she doesnt want the last impression her child has of her to be a bad one. a husband, someone who couldnt possibly understand why this had to happen to HIS soulmate is going to be without the person he exchanged vows with. he's going to always question and worry and be upset and lose faith and have a long road of struggles before him. two parents are going to wonder why their child has to die before them. wonder why it wasnt them instead of her. although nurturing her is something they do without question or irritation, it's been wearing them down too... but at the age of 70+ there isnt much activity that wouldnt wear them down. they've lived good, honest lives and even my grandma and grandpa (who go to church every day of the week) are probably going to question why this has to happen. so many sculptures are going to be left unsculpted. so many homemade christmas gifts left undelivered. so many meaningful, imaginative ideas left unmentioned. such a brilliant mind left without an outlet to our world. i can't help but question every ounce of life inside of me. why would it be her instead of me? i feel so fucking scummy for every dirty little deed that i've ever done and done without thinking. acting as though i'm infallable, like the world will pass me by and i'll still be here holding on tight. like i'll have some other chance to redeem myself for all the shit i've talked, all the backstabbing i've done, all the people i've lost touch with. i cant think of one person that loves me that i deserve. i cant think of one thing i've done that hasn't had some selfish intent to it. i cant picture one granule of integrity that i have left in my body. the truth is- theres no such thing as infallable. everything, from that miniscule red ant to that enourmous redwood will come, serve its purpose, and then be gone. every being will wither away and leave tracks remembered by few, but eventually their spirit will be lost amongst those of so many others. even those that we learn about in history class- the heroes, the skeptics, the risktakers- no one teaches anything about their moral standing, their hearts, or what colors their souls were etched in. all talk that ever makes it anywhere isnt worth a fucking cent in the end. i feel like such a chump for just realizing this now. i mean many of these bits have been in the back of my head for quite some time, but i feel like all of you have already heard about it. i'd make such a shitty journalist because i always hear things decades after the rest of the world has already discovered them. like i cant make my opinions until the final decisions already been announced on a fucking loudspeaker in homes across the nation. i'm some faulty, unethical joke that shouldnt even bother typing this in the first place. and yet, i'm still typing. and i'm still revealing things to myself that i never even knew i had inside of my head. i'm still jabbering about misguidance and misunderstandings that i, myself, havent even been able to unfold for myself at the time being. and as my head reels my fingers type, but it only makes sense after i've gone over it years later. as if i'm being used as a median so that i'll know where i stood without knowing where i'm standing. its all not as complicated as i've been lead to believe. or maybe that just the crack that i wasnt aware i was on until now. i really dont want these things to happen. i dont want these things to happen, yet i cant get up enough... i dont know what it is. i just havent been praying. everyone says "pray" and i say i do... but i dont pray enough. i cant find the words, or the deliverance or the energy to pray. and all of that is just excuses because i'm just a lazy bastard who doesnt bother to take time out of my own pathetic world to look after someone elses. and now i feel like this is somewhat my fault for not praying, which it probably is, and i just... i dont know. i'm all talk and no results. thats why i'll never get anywhere in life. i really think i should stop writing now before i make myself sick. i had a dream that my dad died. it was the most disturbing dream i've ever had, and i just really wanted it to be a dream. i remember in the dream wishing, praying that it was all just a dream. i wish i didnt have dreams like that. i wish things didnt happen this way. i wish life could be different. i miss you. i want to go up there for the funeral. actually- strike that. i WANT there to be no funeral. i WANT her to be okay. i WANT people to care about people the same way they would if they were dieing when they werent. i WANT people to look out for one another without the threat of death breathing down their neck. i WISH people werent such self-absorbed heathens that are only concerned with what the latest gossip column directs them to. sometimes i really dont like the way we are. 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