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wow. well, if i wasnt feeling shitty before... i definately am now. i was just reminising with ali manion and she's filled me in on quite a few things going on in grosse pointe now... about how all these people who used to be so innocent and young and afraid are now pretty much raging alcoholics and stoners. i mean i dont expect people to stay the same, i definately know i havent stayed the same... but to even picture people like.. the ones who i'd never see doing anything like that and have this cute little image of them being perfectly safe and clean and protected... my stomach is just in knots. complete knots. i still to this day remember so much about so many things... i know i've also forgotten a lot... but i've written most of it down as to never let it go... i just cant think about it because it honestly makes me want to break down and cry... i dont even know what i want to do or what i want to be i just know that change and growing up is the most painful, difficult thing i'll ever endure. i mean you can throw any other chaos in my direction and i'll bat it off with a blink of an eye. but ever bring up change or how everyones different and i honestly will just sink into a sullen state of misery. it seems as though when thinking about there, it was always considered better there than here in my book. and the memories i have of the people there, the thoughts about this just being a little vacation i'm on... it sometimes hits me a lot harder than others... i can never go back. those memories will always be the PAST, those people wont become young again or innocent... and i'll never be able to fit back in with them perfectly. but worrying about it doesnt do anything either. i mean at this point in time, the same situation might come up with them. although it would probably be a lot less often, they might occasionally be reminded/remember me. and when they do, they'll wonder what im like now. and they'll wonder what im doing, if im dating someone, if my family's okay, if i have a whole new set of friends and have forgotten about them. take that one person, those hundreds of questions, and multiply them by about 300. thats what goes through my head, every single person i've ever encountered/interacted with in grosse pointe. everyone that ever meant even the slightest bit to me i worry about and wonder about whenever those two words are brought up. its the most agonizing pain i've ever been through- and people say youre supposed to get over it? people say youre supposed to move on? "time heals all wounds"... no it fucking doesnt when you think about how youre life could have been if you still lived there, and still wish that maybe you could have at least saw what it was like if you DID live there. dont get me wrong. i have a wonderful life here. i have someone who i care about and love beyond belief. but i cant help but wonder why i had to move here.... and now i sound as repetitive and terrible as i did when i first moved, besides the excessive sobbing all the time. i dont understand how it can be so easy for so many people to just move on, never look back and pretend as though it didnt mean anything to them. i wish my life could be different. lol. and i wish i had enough energy and strength to cry. and to change. and to talk to eric. and to let time heal wounds, and to let myself be able to hear these things without the knots forming. the only way they even "go away" is just by me pushing them back into my subconcious, and even then they will occasionally pop out with extreme force... causing my steady ground to shake and crumble. i wish i was more like you. and i wish now that its summer i wouldnt go outside on my backporch and have the smells and the scenery trick me into thinking im back in grosse pointe. and i wish i wouldnt pick up the phone and dial a number, only to realize i've forgotten to put the area code and that person probably doesnt want to be bothered with me anyway. and i wish i wouldnt sit there, on my backporch rocking myself back in forth while trying to calm my angry, misunderstanding tears. yes- i've moved. yes- theres nothing i can do about it. but i've found a loophole in the system- theres no fucking rule that says i cant wonder... i definately over-abuse that privledge.... i miss you. me Post a comment in response: |
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