something in the air
my sister was on a tear tonight, apparently momzilla has been in psycho hose beast mode to the extreme. Letting cory do whatever he wants and going ballistic when she tries to say no or correct or discipline him. I love my mom, but i have no illusions, the woman is nuts. And kids need to hear the word no occasionally. Cory is going to be a fucking psychpath or worse, sociopath. He has no conscience as is, doesn't care about anything but himself.When things don't work he throws a fit and whines and insists it has to work for him. I got news kid, the world ain't gonna kiss your ass and treat you like you're the most special thing on earth like marcia does. Brandi never shoulda let mom take control, she will never get her kid back now. It's madness. I think my mom needs a psych eval, she's gotten really...explosive. She refuses to consider medication, but doesnt hesitate to tell us we need it. Duh, I know I do, unmedicated manic depressives are not a good thing. Brandi insists she does better without meds, and maybe she does. I can't speak for anyone but myself, and I know as bad as I am doing right now medicated, without the meds I would be much much worse off. I have an illness. Denying it doesn't solve anything. I'm just glad I don't live with her.
I guess the despair and madness must be in the air this week. I am doing so lousy. Really bad. In the dark place where no rays of light can touch me. I don't like it. I feel hateful toward people I usually love and adore. I have become less functional than I was, and I didnt think that was even possible. I am just in denial about all the stuff that needs to be done. I cant even work up the courage to go down to get the mail. Going outside the door just freaks me out. I dont know whats going on with me. I'm just glad I see the shrink July6. Hopefully he will try to help me. It's trial and error, I know too well, but I just hope we can mesh and work together to get this illness under control. I just want my life back, want to be me again. Functional. I want to enjoy being alive again. That's not unrealistic or silly.
I am resisting the urge to just curl up in front of the TV. I wont sleep. The brain wont shut up. I will just lay there and torture myself further. Least on here I can distract myself with stuff. Even if I'm not enjoying it in the least. Everyone keeps telling me I'm too quiet. I'm too depressed to speak. If I were to vent then they'd say I was being a drama queen or trying to bum them out. Gah, people suck so much. I just want my own house so I can have my pets. Courty is gonna get over her psychotic selfishness one day. She blows me off, so why can't I have some kittens who will want my attention? But not here. Gotta get a place where pets are allowed. It seems so hopeless and futile. I'm trapped here forever, my only escape being death.
Be grateful I'm too quiet people. I wish it was quiet inside my head.
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