|Current mood:|| crushed|
I'm angry right now. i don't really want to bitch about it, but I just am angry right now because I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm just waiting. Waiting for summer to end. Waiting for school to start. I'm angry. I'm angry that work is changing unbearably too much. I'm angry that Katie isn't here. I'm angry that its 2 in the morning and I'm not in bed. I'm angry that I have to work tomorrow and sunday, which I really don't want to. I'm angry that I'm so small in this big world. I'm angry because I want to eat a big, jelly-filled donut, but I can't. I'm angry because I'm confused with what's going on with Nate. I'm angry because I haven't lost more weight, and I'm not tan, and I'm not very pretty right now. I'm angry because I'm PMSing, but that doesn't make my anger any less frustrating. I'm angry that I'm not certain what my future holds. I'm angry because I don't get the respect I deserve from some people, and some people get more respect than they give to others or deserve. Im angry that the weekend isn't over and I'm not teaching yet. I'm angry that I have to sweep up people's shit. I'm angry that my hyperhidrosis is really bad these days. I'm mad that my surgery didn't work. I'm mad that my medicine screwed me over for life. I'm mad that I have acid reflux because of the medicine and the surgery, and i'm mad that I have other digestion problems because of the acid reflux. I'm mad that I have these terrible, ugly, great big scars all over my chest. I'm mad that I have to live with this. I'm mad that my children might have to live with this. I'm mad that no one cares enough to find a cure. I'm mad that no "cure" helps me at all. I'm mad that it gets in my way all of the time. I'm mad that people don't understand about it and judge me. I'm mad that it's disgusting and embarassing. I'm so angry. I'm so angry at myself, about who I am, and about how I'm so angry. Because it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. I don't care though...I'm a selfish person, aren't I? I'm angry about that as well. I'm angry.
But...writing all of the anger I have down and OUT...has made me feel a little better. I haven't talked about my hyperhidrosis in awhile. I just wish there was someone I could talk to about it. I feel bad talking to my parents about it because they only feel bad, then. I can't talk to katie because she's not here. I can't talk to Nate, because I don't want to put that burden on him. Nobody else knows me well enough. They don't even know what it is. Or how to comfort me. I just...I'm so sick of having to think about it all of the time...ALL of the time. Its always on my mind, it's always in my way, I always just loathe myself for it. And its worse than ever right now.
And that makes me angry.