| Current mood: | tired |
| Current music: | Westlife - Tonight |
Tonight I'm gonna make it up to you...
It's kind of weird being pregnant again. Maybe 'weird' is the wrong term to use. I don't know the right word. All I know is that I'm more aware of what's going on inside of me. And I'm even more sensitive to everything happening around me. Maybe it's just me but the second time around seems a bit more mellow. My morning sicknesses aren't as bad as it was the first time I was pregnant with the boys. And I definitely eat a lot more. I hope it's a girl. My fingers are constantly crossed, and every so often when I get the chance to, I silently pray I get to have a girl.
I'm not exactly positively sure why I'm so fixated on the thought of having a daughter. I guess in a way, every mother will want to have a daughter of her own. I daydream constantly of having the kind of relationship my mom and I don't have. I guess maybe that's why I want a daughter so bad. I wrestle a lot with the thought that I'm going to become just like my mother when this kid gets to be in her teens. I've always heard the saying that if you always say you're never going to be like your parents, you're going to be like your parents.
I don't know about that, but I really don't want to become like my parents. Especially not like my mother. Like my dad, yeah. I think that if I grow up to become just like my dad, I'd be blessed. But I do know that I won't become like my mom. I refuse to. I'm never going to treat my kids the way my mom treats me. Never.
So I was in a bad mood earlier. Joel was trying to talk to me and I was trying to ignore him. Mood swings. I really wish we didn't have to have them. I didn't want to snap at him while he was trying to be nice to me, so I kind of just shut my eyes and laid down. After a while, I got annoyed at just laying there doing nothing so I stood up and went out to the beach. Sat myself down on the edge of the gazebo and watched the waves roll right on top of the other.
You know, I've never mentioned this before, but married life is nothing as I imagined it to be. Ever since I was little, I used to have this vision of what I'd wanted my married life to be like. I've always imagined like... a quaint little house in a town, surrounded with a white picket fence, trees with leaves falling and swirling all around. Me with my husband and our two or three kids and our golden retriever. Me being a full-time housewife, taking care of the house and the kids while my husband worked a part-time job somewhere and he'd come home and everything would be all cozy and perfect. And we'd eat those healthy dinners and at the end we'd curl up by the fire and watch TV or something.
I was eight years old when I thought this crazy fantasy up and sometimes even to this day, I still think about it. I wonder what it would be like to live in that fantasy. I mean when you look at my life to my daydream, you'd probably take a step back at how different it all turned out to be. While at the moment, I am a full-time housewife, at some point, work, my full-time job as a singer/actress is going to call me back to reality. I live a life where privacy is very, very limited. And my husband has a full-time job where I end up not being able to see him for weeks or days on end. There's no such thing as healthy dinner or sometimes dinner. A lot of times, I'm too tired to eat but as long as the boys have something to fill their tummy, I'm fine.
Don't get me wrong though. I'm not complaining at all about the life I have with Joel. There's such a thing as too much of a good thing and my daydream? That was a little going overboard. I'm happy with my life. It's not perfect but it makes me happy.
Yeah. I'm happy.
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