|Current mood:|| determined|
|Current music:||pogo (?) by system of a down|
not too much overly exciting happened today. i got more meds (yeah!! now i dont have anymore flashes or wobbly vision!!!), i'm in the process of trading a computer (p2-266 160mb pc-100 14 gigs hd 56k modem sound) for an xbox, and i'm back up to about 170#, so it's time to stop eating again until i get back down closer to 160ish, possibly lower.
i'm dreading taking out my fangs (2 lower lip piercings) because i really like them alot, better than my septum if you can believe that (which those of you that know me know i adore my septum piercing), but i HAVE TO GET A JOB!!! i'm so tired of having to ask family and friends for help with food, diapers, etc...
oh yeah, i also decided today that i need to find a lawyer for this whole divorce thing. i just really cant stand the thought of the kids getting put back into the situation they were in. dont get me wrong, they love and need their mom very much, but she just really isnt capable of taking care of them right now, and i'm beginning to question if she ever truely will be ready and able to handle that. i went over to her house to see how she was doing after her surgery (to remove a kidney stone) and the house was way gnarley. there was pasta in various dishes on the counters, and the pasta was way bad...not to the point of molding, but to the point where the smell almost made me gag. the house was still in major disarray, but it was a little better than i've seen it lately, but it was still one hella big mess.
i so dont want to have to go about the whole divorce thing in a mean vindictive manner, but i feel almost like i'll have to so that i can get the kids, which i feel is the best for them (the kids) and us (me and the ex). i dont want to keep her away from the kids, i just want to be able to do whatever is necessary for the kids so that they'll be the happiest possible. i know i'm not the best of a provider, but i've never not had a place for them to stay with me, i've always found a way to get food around for them, i've kept them clean (as much as you can for 2 highly mobile and curious kids)...i know i'm not the best of a person, but i feel like i'm the only thing i can be, which is, in my opinion, one hell of a loving and caring father who tries his best for his family, and himself.
blah...enough spouting and venting. i just really dont want to lose my boys again. it gets harder and harder every time it happens. they dont deserev for that to happen either. all they deserve is the best i can possibly give, and more. i love you babies, my little monsters...=)