ya, so this weekend already feels like it's over. and it's not even 10:30 PM, sat. night. Don't know why. Guess I haven't done too much. You know the feeling of having nothing to do, cause you already did everything you wanted to that day?
Stepping into my flat, I notice how lonely it is. Waving goodbye to my friend, as my car is in the shop at the moment, I am again reminded of just how alone I am at the moment. Why do I long for someone to come home to/with? What is is about my soul that longs for friends, for freedom? I fry up some fish to eat, cause there's nothing else, and with no car, I dont' really feel like walking to the market at 10PM. Not that it's open anyway. Munching on the leftover rice and fried fish, I feel sick. Fish isnt' cooked properly - you know the crust? It's burned black, but the fish is still cold. Ugh. Fried it again. Ate partly, threw the rest away. Sick stuff. I just want someone to talk to, to laugh with. ANYONE.
Why does it have to feel like I'm powerless? No money - won't get paid until Friday. No car till monday- so i'm stuck bumming rides off of friends. And it's not even sunday yet. Guess this is what poverty feels like. I have nothing to eat that won't take 1-2 hours to cook. No vegetables, unless you count a rotten tomato and shriveled, cool bell pepper that's wearing its age well. Threw them away.
It just feels empty. Empty cause I know it's almost time for me to leave. But i'm alone. I don't want to be alone when I leave. I guess it sucks cause it feels like there's no one to say goodbye to. At least at the moment. Maybe I'm tired. Ya. Chronic peoblem. Must get more sleep.
Man snowboarding was a blast - 4-5 hours a day does wonders for your physique. That's why I feel so bad about eating the fried fish. Here I am, nearly as "toned" as want to be...so close. And nothign else to eat but fried fish. UGH.
So my friends, my anonymous, invisible friends...my friends whom I hope are reading this...at sometime in the not-too-distant future...being a youth worker is hard. TOo many ups and downs. Good Lord, I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to end this.
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