| Current mood: |  scared |
| Current music: | fan blades |
a nightmare.. :/
jesus.. what a way to wake up
i finally remember a dream. its kind of hard to forget what i just dreamt though.
earlier parts of it had to do with a superbowl turning sideways and all the football players crashing together, trying not to fall off (kind of like falling off the titanic when it was sinking sideways) and they hated eachother and fought.. but they had to work together and by the end they were all friends.. all the other people had left but they had stayed, they made it.
then for some reason jack was in the picture. and he pulled everyone together. he became the leader and told everyone how to get the superbowl turned rightside up. we all had to run across the field at different times to get it to balance. everyone listened to him, and when he said go, they went. and for some reason, i didn't run. he got so mad. everyone got so mad. why didn't i run when he told me to? i had WANTED to run.. but i couldn't. he gave me another chance, and i ran, but it was hard to make myself. i only did it half-assed.. but it was hard. like running through deep water.
so i left. i went to hot topic and started working there, taking over while jack was gone. he said i had to get numbers. i was writing on a clipboard how the store looked. a lady came up and asked me about getting a manager position, i told her what she had was fine.. a high degree, of some sort, almost a phd. i told her no one else had that, so she'd be fine. she didnt believe me? i dont know.
buuuuuuuuut then the bad part comes in.
then im at school. im walking down the hall in the morning and theater kids walk by, hand in hand. the one closest to me is janelle. shes wearing what she did at homecoming. shes reciting something, and the last thing she says i say something back to make a bad joke or something. it made sense in the dream, but it doesn't now, because it was "J... 5!" bleh. anyway. she bumped into me and walked off. later that day we end up walking next to eachother again, and she asked if i had heard what she said after that, if i even listened. i said no. and i dont remember what she said, but it had made sense, basically made me feel like an asshole.. like she wasn't the bitch for dumping me, i was the bitch for making her. i choke, trying not to cry.
then im walking with courtney.. to a car, to watch either a movie or a final episode of something, something we had been looking forward to for a long time. she looked at me with sad eyes and said "remember how this day seemed so far off? how we used to talk about it and think it would never happen, because we were so young? i can't believe its already here" and it was. everything else was over, it had already gone by. and here i am, walking with courtney, whom ive grown so far apart from i dont even know anymore, to the end. who used to be my best friend. janelle, who used to be my best friend. i choke, trying not to cry.
then as we walk by we see aly's mom's car with her sister waiting in the back. aly's coming too, coming somewhere. or her mom's getting her to go somewhere. and i realize my time with her's done too. we're all going to leave, and everything we have here is going to be gone. i keep choking..
i wake up crying. crying hard. i keep crying, cause i keep thinking about what the dream meant. i know what it meant. this is all going to be over soon, we'll graduate and leave eachother and everything that made us happy here will just be memories we'll desperately try to remember with what pictures we have. but here i am, going to graduate, and with broken friendships. friends i couldnt even keep until graduation. i had to screw up somehow. and in the dream i felt regret, and resentment towards myself. but i wake up crying, about everything ive lost, and everything im about to lose.
and i thought i was happy? i cant say it was just a nightmare, cause it meant something.. i had been burying all those feelings deeper and deeper and finally they all flood out while i can't control it, in my sleep. but it went past that, making me remember, and cry. like i was really in the dream.
ugh. its gonna be hard starting the day off like this.
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