I can end all my pain if I had the balls....
How is it that you can be the most supportive fucking person in your family; the only one out of all your siblings that does everything for your parents, especially your mom and the one friend that everyone seems to call when ever they need a fucking shoulder to lean on or ear to chew off but, when you have a fucking problem, everyone acts like you don't have the fucking right to every be upset over something! All I hear from everyone family and my so called friends is drama, drama, drama and bitching, bitching, bitching about every fucking they 24/7. But, when I get a little stressed out and need someone to talk too I get treated like I'm a fucking mental case and everyone has better things to do than offer an ear for me! What the fuck! I'm the only one out of my siblings who doesn't take advantage of my mom and does every fucking thing for her! My other siblings literally only call my mom when when they need a fucking baby sitter! My mom would literally only see my brother once a fucking year on Christmas and that's a big fucking maybe if he didn't have any kids for my mom to baby sit! My sister only calls when she can't find one of the usual two dozen other fucking losers she calls first to get them to do something for her! When she has a friend to keep her company or someone else to give her money for something; we won't hear for her for fucking days on end! I do more for my mother in one week than my siblings have done for her in the last six months! And no it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm living with her because even when I was on my own for six fucking years, I was over her house every other fucking day helping her clean, do laundry, food shopping, run errands or just keep her company and I earn my fucking keep around here by doing that same shit every day, even having dinner ready most days if I'm home at dinner time and food shopping with money out of my pocket and doing their fucking laundry besides my own! And friends?! What fucking friends?! I guess everyone is so used to me (Rachel) being "old reliable" when it comes to having someone to talk too that I'm expected to all of a sudden not be human and have no feelings of my own! I've done nothing but screw up my fucking life. Quit one job after another because I wasn't happy and still don't have a clue as to what I'd like to do at 38 years of age. What a fucking loser! No job, still living with my parents, no car, over weight and no social life! I wish I had the fucking balls to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger and I don't want to hear how other people have died and would have given anything to keep on living so I should be grateful to be alive, o.k.! Fuck you too! I've literally gone to St. Patrick's Cathedral (Church) and begged on my knees in church, begged in prayer for some kind of sign to be sent to me, giving me a clue as to what I should be doing with my life! I've both watched on television and heard stories about people who were positive that they were sent some kind of sign letting them know what direction their lives should be going in. I want that same sign! Where is it? I feel like my life is just going around in circles and I'm just taking up space on this planet! Everone else has gone on and gotten married, had families, started careers and I'm just a big fucking loser! I have nine more weeks left of unemployment checks! I'm going to see what happens in those nine weeks! I don't want to settle for another low paying job just for the sake of working! Because that's been my cycle for the past couple of years! I quit one job because I want to find another more "rewarding" job or a job I feel I should really be doing, all so I can panick at the last minute and just settle for any job once again, only to repeat the same fucking cycle the following year! Once again, waiting for that fucking sign! I can't do it again! Damn it! I really want to have the balls in another nine weeks to be able to end my life! I'm not waiting for the sign or maybe that was supposed to be the sign all along?! Maybe I'm supposed to end my life so I can be made an example to other people; like in my family?! If I end my own life, maybe my nephew will straighten his lazy ass out and start doing better in school and maybe my sister will get off her lazy ass and decide not to be on public assistance anymore and finally decide to make something of herself! If I ended my life I also won't have to worry about how fucking fat I got, or being 38 and single! I won't have to worry about shit and I can just rest in piece!