| Current mood: |  contemplative |
| Current music: | Carry Me Home>The Hush Sound |
This Year
...has been so different. But not in a bad way. Or, not always in a bad way.
Last year was all new-ness. How much can I drink? Long walks through the city at night and crazy spin-the-bottle and sitting in the lounge watching new movies meeting new people long talks with Vyn and Addie and Dani and watching bad porn and being exasperated with people. Doing schoolwork and not doing schoolwork. Skipping class and roadtrips. A sprained ankle and and taking a hit of sweet smoke and going above the earth to the stars.
Everything was new and shiny. Everyone was amazed by the world and everything in it, and everything we could do.
This summer took it all away for awhile. And I ached for it. Ached so bad I could taste it everytime I went to work. Every time I sat down to dinner with my family. Every time I snuck out of a cigarette at one in the morning.
And we all came back. But we all came back different. Because everything you do changes you, a tiny bit at a time. And three months of tiny changes adds up to a lot. A big change.
So everyone came back, and everyone had expectations. But everyone was different, so the expectations were confused. And so these first weeks have been chaos.
We all swirl around each other in a haze of alcohol and pot and DMX and resentment. And yet we keep connecting in new, surprising ways.
There have been big pits of darkness. Ehson and Dani's fight. Kyle and the now barely-healed cuts on his wrists. Tristan's uncomfortable face as he tells me he doesn't want to date right now.
But there have been so many other moments of brightness. $1.50 subs at Jimmy Johns and the journey around them. April and I having a drunked heart-to-heart. The heartache of Mean Creek and clove cigarettes on the patio. Dani and Tim and happiness. Me opening up to Vyn and her simply accepting the secret without judgment.
Some days I wake up and feel too discouraged to talk to people. But when I'm outside, and I can smell Milwaukee, can hear the sirens at night, take a moment outside the conversation to watch everyone laughing, I know that this will be right.
We're going to make it.
We have to.
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