| Current mood: |  restless |
| Current music: | Staind- So Far Away |
Indescribable.
This is my life
It's not what it was before
All these feelings
I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping
Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes, one life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today
These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping
I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
-Staind
A friend told me that life is defined by moments- millions and trillions of them put together to form what we could call memories. Lately, I've had a lot of moments. I guess everyone has, so that comment is very silly to make. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've had a lot of indescribable moments that I'm trying to comprehend and make some sense out of.
Soulmate and I have been having issues with describing what the meaning of life is. We go around in circles with our answers, and it just comes back to one thing: we don't know. We could discuss it for hours, which we do, we could discuss it with different people whether it be someone that works at Jimmy John's or a bum on the street- and again we would come to the conclusion that we don't really know why we're here, why anyone is here, and we don't know exactly what is going to happen in our lives. We don't know what our purpose is. I suppose one could say that an individual's purpose is what we make of it. But at the same time, what do we mean by what we make of it?
Though I have said that I'm okay with not knowing things, I'm really not right now. So much has happened to alter that perspective. I'm okay with not knowing which law school I'm going to get into, I'm okay with not knowing other petty things in my life... but when it comes to my emotions, I'm not okay not knowing how I'm feeling and what I'm feeling. In my past entries, I wrote about how I wasn't ready for a relationship, that I just wanted something stable but at the same time I hated middle ground. Well, now I'm quarrelling with that idea because I'm really frustrated, restless, and confused with how I'm feeling and the mass amounts of emotions that have overcome me.
I guess more or less I didn't expect things that have happened. I didn't expect to get so close to someone that I would be afraid to be with them, or afraid to have him in my life. I have a feeling that this is vice versa as well, because it's like you're almost drawn to them physically and emotionally, to the point where you just break down and can't help your emotions or the feelings that have overcome you. What happens when you can't control things? When you could have controlled them knowing that it wasn't something that would normally happen, but at the same time let go of the control and just let them happen knowing that it was something that you wanted at that split second, that split moment in time?
After an uncontrollable moment happens, what do you do? Where do you go from here? Do you run away even more because you're even more scared at what happened? Are you disappointed with yourself? Do you just accept things as they come? Or do you do something about it? There are so many questions going through my head right now. I don't know what to do. I'm clueless. I know what I want in many ways- but at the same time, I think I made some mistakes at the get-go to prevent what I want from happening immediately.
I could talk to millions of people about this. I could tell them every detail, or I could vaguely put the turn of events in sequence so they could get the general idea. And at the same time, I know it's just between me and that other person... no one else could ever give me the reasons for what happened, and what we're feeling, and what's going on in our heads. Only we can. It's just a matter of when we can let go and open up about what we're thinking.
I don't want to say that I've fallen for someone, but at the same time I know I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't fall for him. I've fallen before, but not like this. I have the craziest mixed up feelings inside of me, and the split attraction between us is so different than what I've ever felt in the past. I don't know if anything is going to come from us 'dating', I can certainly hope, but at the same time I have to wonder- am I making the right choice? There are other fish in the sea, and why did I happen to fall for this one? I can ask myself this over and over, but I still would be able to tell someone all the reasons. And the more and more things progress, the more and more things I find to love.
So, what is the meaning of life? Soulmate and I discussed that we think that life is based upon relationships. If you're religious, it's your relationship with God. If you're like us, it's the relationships with the others in our lives. And since I don't necessarily know the exact meaning of life, and I don't know what's going on with the relationships with my heart right now, I guess life isn't meaningless, but indescribable.
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