| Current mood: |  sick |
| Current music: | Soulmate talking on the phone |
Life is what we make of it.
Life has been pretty hectic lately. Between work, school, the sorority, my campaign, hanging out with my friends, sorority sisters, family, as well as other special people (;-) ) I've been pretty busy.
I've been trying not to be as paranoid as I normally am about things, but unfortunately that doesn't work. I don'tk now how many times the past couple of weeks I've freaked out about one thing or another, and it hasn't been as bad as I thought it was. First off, let me mention that I have middle ground when it comes to relationships. Right now, I really don't want a relationship- I just want something somewhat stable, and consistent, just one person that I can go to, and he can go to me when he needs me and not feel absolutely obligated to be with them twenty-four-seven. That's the one mistake that I made in my last relationship- I didn't allow enough time for me to be me. I got too caught up in the 'us' part of the relationship, not necessarily the fact that we were two separate identities. I'm secure enough as a person to be independent- I think that in some ways I was relied on too much, and I sometimes feel like I was taken advantage of with certain things that I had access to. BUT, that's not now.
Now I'm happy. I can say I'm happy because I have friends around me that love me, that want to be with me, and see me for the person that I am. I know I'm wanted by people- but at the same time I don't necessarily want to want someone back. But with that thought in mind, I'm quarelling in my heart and in my mind about that because I feel like I'm having those feelings and to be perfectly honest, they freak me out.
In relationships, it seems like I've always looked for that cookie cutter type of guy. The mama's boys, who have motivation to get somewhere, who dress nice, have nice manners, but still have a goofy side to them. I could go on, but it's just typical of the guys I'm normally attracted to.
What happens when you meet someone that's completely different? So self-secure with what they want for themselves in their life, free-spirited, confident, strong both in the mind and physically, creative, intelligent, optimistic, cultured, somewhat religious, politically intelligent with very similar views, and most of all, honest? The scary thing is, when I was telling my mom about everything, she made a reference that all the characteristics of this person are a lot like what my father was like when he was younger. And that scares me to death because there hasn't been a guy that I've dated that has remotely matched up to my father.
More or less, I think psychologists are right when they say that we look for someone that's very similar to our parents. Nothing like the Oedipus complex, but at the same time we look for people that have similar characteristics to those individuals who we've grown up with. I idolize my father, and I see him as someone that I respect and hope to be like someday. And it's scary to have thought that a guy could be similar to him.
The thing about my father that I admire the most is that he is okay with not knowing things in his life. He's okay with who he is, and secure in his own shoes. That's a scary thought- and it's crazy to think that someone remotely my age could have the same type of outlook in life. I think that's one of the MAJOR problems with guys that I've dated- they're intimidated by the fact that I'm okay with not knowing either. Yes, I get paranoid. Yes, I get somewhat insecure. But when it comes down to it, I'm okay with not knowing because the reality of life is- you're not going to know until it happens, so why not let it happen?
Okay, that was me somewhat bearing my heart. I don't want to go into great details right now because a) I'm dying of a couging attack, and since soulmate is on the phone I don't want to blow her cover, so the coughs are being held in. b) I'm tired. c)Soulmate just touched my boob. That's not a point, but a funny side comment.
This past quarter has definitely been great. First off, I have the bestest soulmate in the world. Who could've known that we would share so much in common? It's nice to have someone that you can depend on when the world seems so crazy and you feel like you have no where else to turn. Secondly, I have the most awesome coworkers in the world- Sarah, I think you're my mentor and I seriously idolize you because you're such a strong individual, and I wish you would see that! Tracie, you the big sista that I've never had, and I'm glad to have you. :)
To those who I haven't talked to lately:
*Adam- I miss our roadtrips, and you in general!! I can't wait to see you again over the holidays because we have lots to catch up on.
*Lissa- it was nice to briefly see you the other night- I miss our star-searching evenings, and hope you're enjoying college life this year- I know we were both hesitant to return.
*Chris- what would you expect? My life is still a drama-filled soap opera that will eventually be published.
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