| Current mood: |  loved |
| Current music: | guided by voices- hold on hope |
[...breathe in...]
i can smell the salt air blowing up from eliott bay. the moon is a waxing gibbous tonight. 3/4 full. it's glowing just above the washington mutual tower. the night feels soft and salty. it makes me think of the beach andy and i went to...
ruby beach.
it was so beautiful. it was raining...just a fine mist...and to see the fog rolling over the water...the ocean so grey...so big.
the tide was out...and we walked on the sand barefoot...holding hands and letting the waves play around our feet.
we could hear all sorts of seagulls and saw the waves crashing against the stacks...
it was gorgeous. like a dream.
i wish i could go back there.
right now.
to that little cave under the cliff...it was so peaceful and quiet and yet so loud at the same time. the waves and the birds...and yet no sounds of cars or people.
just the ocean and us.
though i suppose if i had my choice i'd rather be in england. it's hot there right now. record heat. supposedly the highest temperatures in england's recorded history.
but i'd give anything to wake up in that little bedroom on st. margaret road...to see the sun shining through those awful yellow and blue flowered curtains...to catch a glimpse of the spires from the cathedral out the window.
and i miss the little kitchen. how the floor is always freezing, and the fridge always has cheese.
i miss standing at the sink and washing the dishes...the brown teapot...the blue coffee mugs...the milk foamer...
and then trying to somehow fit all the dishes into the tiny cupboard.
i don't know why i miss doing the dishes...but i dunno...it was fun. me standing and washing the pots while andy dried them and put them away.
i miss watching andy cook...with all his stirring...and throwing things into the pan at random.
i miss the seafood he'd make for me. and i miss lying on his tiny loveseat with my head in his lap and my legs over the arm of the sofa, or the other way around with my legs on his lap and my head on the arm, and watching movies.
i miss the softness of our bed...the most comfortable bed i've ever met hands down...with it's thick cuddlesome comforter and the soft cotton sheets...
i miss england...and the grocery stores...for some reason i like english grocery stores better than american ones. they're more brightly lit...and more...better.
i miss the valleys too...and the rivers...i miss the streets...and the air and the way they drive on the wrong side of the road.
i miss hearing accents everywhere...and i miss the restaurants and the pubs.
and i miss andy.
i miss holding him...and kissing him. and i miss his cuddles. and i miss the way that when i'm in his arms everything is better. even if only for a moment...he can make things better.
he can make me forget what a fuck up i am and almost get me to believe i'm someone special. that i'm pretty. and sexy. and smart.
and he lets me believe...he helps me believe that love really can last a lifetime...that some people really do spend their whole lives together.
i always thought i'd be alone...but when i look into his eyes i know i'll never be alone again. and i know that for the rest of my life, as long as i live, he'll love me...and i'll love him.
and even if we don't die on the same day...even if one or the other of us goes first...i know that i'll always be with him...and that a day won't go buy that i don't find myself in love with him.
it's a good feeling...but it's so scary too.
i've never had so much to lose before.
i mean...you flunk out of school...so what...you can go back...try again...get back on.
but if i were to lose andy...that's it...it's over. my life would be...empty.
if something were to happen...and we split up...or were forced apart...or one of us died or something...the thought of not waking up every day and seeing him lying next to me...
it's terrifying...maybe it shouldn't scare me so much...but...it really does.
to think...that he might not be in my life...that...that's just...god.
i know i don't make any sense...
but i love him so much...and to lose him...to lose him would be hell.
he's everything good in my life...he's the reason i keep working, and keep struggling in school, and keep getting up in the morning.
i love him so much...and i wish i could even begin to tell him just how much he's done for me...how much he's helped me...how happy he's made me...how lost i'd be without him.
but i know i can't...and though i'm pretty sure that i've done just as much for him...i don't feel there's anyway i can thank him or repay him enough...
but i mean to spend the rest of my life trying.
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