When I first met you on my birthday, you sent this surge of butterflies through my stomach. You were coming upstairs and I was looking at you over the wall, trying not to stare. I don't get exactly what it was, but you made me disgustingly giddy. And you had on your Spongebob Squarepants shirt and used it to break the ice ("So! I hear you like Spongebob!") and I could tell instantly that you were funny and charming. I wanted to be around you the whole night, but at the same time, I didn't want to throw myself at you.
So, it's only logical to say you were all I could think about. I wanted to talk to you and get to know you better. You were just so nice to me. We hardly knew each other and you came to my rescue when my car wouldn't start and let me repay you with dinner. I was scared you'd sneak a peek at my after-dinner belly or catch me in the middle of a bite. You tricked me every time into looking away whenever you'd shove pasta in your mouth. Then, we held hands on the way back to Sportsplex and you kissed me in the parking-lot. And maybe all of that seems so small to you, but nothing could erase the smile from my face and whenever I think about it now, I get the same feelings all over again. You just made me so incredibly happy. I don't know if I've ever felt that great that fast over a guy.
You were quick to bring me back down from cloud nine when you said you just wanted to be friends. And it never failed to break me into pieces whenever I heard stories about you and other girls. It all seemed so trivial, but so important at the same time. I knew that we weren't supposed to be more than friends, but I wanted it to be different. I was so excited whenever we finally started to kiss and fool around because I felt like we had gotten a lot closer. But whenever you said it was nothing much, it made me feel so sick inside. I cared about you more than anything else and couldn't believe how wonderful you could make me feel when I was with you and how horrible I'd feel when I was alone. I'd try to go without you in hopes taking the pain away. But, it seemed as though being without you carried as much pain, if not more. So, when I finally DID come around again, I was scared of letting you in, but even more scared of letting you go. I didn't know if I was able to do either. You mattered so much to me, even though I didn't understand. If I broke, you fixed me. You'd stay awake to talk to me at night so I could sleep easier. You always had jokes and never failed to make me laugh. And I loved making you laugh. Half the time, I didn't even have to be funny to do it. Just being with you made everything better. With you, nothing else mattered.
I'm not going to lie and tell you I've always been crazy about having a relationship. When it first started out, I was so scared of being unhappy or missing out or just making bad choices. You were so quick to change my mind I could not help but let you into something I'd sworn to myself I'd keep you out of. Within a month, I wanted to tell you that I loved you. But I wasn't sure and then I was scared--scared of scaring you. I wanted so much, but felt like I'd lose any hope of getting it if I said the wrong thing.
Maybe it all sounds dumb and unbelievable. But this is what I've felt and what I still feel. I know I wasn't the best at being a girlfriend. I know there were a million times where I could have shown my love and appreciation for the things you did or didn't do and just for you being there and loving me no matter what. And I've been so confused this whole time about how I feel. I know I haven't exactly been alone very long. But it's still been enough time for me to realize that I am, in fact, an idiot. I've been on my own for a few weeks, but even now when we're spending time together, I feel like not all of you is there sometimes. Your eyes seem to be missing something. And I miss you. I miss your deep eyes and your shoulders and your arms. I miss your laugh. I miss the way your eyes close and your head falls back when you're enjoying yourself. I miss Sunday morning. I miss Village Inn. I miss the beach and I even miss cold air and LOUD music that has words no one can understand. I miss the way I can still smell you on my skin and clothes and in my hair long after you've gone. I miss watching you drive or laying with my head in your lap. I miss how innocent you get when you drink. I miss the arguments that weren't. I miss the way you'd go out of your way and think of me whenever I least expected it. I miss your hand in mine. I miss how wonderful I feel when I am with you.
And I know I've half-assed my part of this relationship. You have to believe me when I say that I want to do better. I promise I'll do SO MUCH BETTER. I want to be your sunshine on a rainy day. I want to make you smile and laugh and really mean it. I want to massage your back and feet after you've had a hard day at work. I want to surprise you with little things and with big things and let you know that I'm thinking of you and that I love you. I want to wake up early and make you breakfast in bed. I want to share a sleeping bag in the woods and just be warm with you next to a campfire. I want to support you and everything you dream about. I want to help you when you're in trouble. I want to make you so happy you'll hardly know what's hit you. I want to be there for you. I want to love you. I want to make love to you at night with Beck playing on the stereo and in the morning with the sun coming through the blinds and in the afternoon with the rain coming down and the windows open. I want to be so close to you and feel you. I want you to be the person I come home and sleep with at night and the person I wake up to in the morning.
You do something to me that I can't explain. I feel like I can do almost anything and it wells up so big inside of me. It's ready to shoot from my fingers, toes, chest, smile, and eyes. It's a mix between fire, a scream, light, a big laugh, a song and a dance, tears and wings. No one's ever made me feel this way before.
And not being with you hurts so much. I never understood the pain that everyone talks about. But now, I definitely feel it. It's heavy and fills my chest and throat and it presses and it chokes. It makes my eyes sting and blur. My face gets hot. I try to go to sleep and escape it only to have it fill my dreams. I've never felt so alone. Yes, I've got a few people that love me. But, it's not enough and it almost feels as if they just don't matter. You are what I want and when I can't have you it hurts more than anything I've ever known.
I love you, Chris Slowey. I know I have told you that a million times and we've both been unsure of whether or not I meant it. But I do. I love you and I wasn't absolutely sure of it until just recently. I love everything you are and say and do. I want to take a step and make love to you and just take us further and closer together. I don't know where we could wind up going. We're young, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I love you and you love me. I won't make you unhappy, I promise. I want to be so perfect for you. I've never wanted to be more perfect. And all of this is so scary. I'm shaking as I write this. It's so long, but I feel still like there is so much inside still that I want to show you.
Please say yes. You've expressed the feelings that you have for me and your want to say yes. Your fear of a lack of change is the only thing you have expressed that keeps you away. You tell me you love me. You cannot love without trust. All I am asking is for you to trust me when I promise you something better. I would never make a promise I did not intend to keep. Not to you. You mean so much and no amount of words could ever express how much I love, care for, and want to be with you. Please give me a second chance...
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