|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||Get To Know Me - Crop Circle|
I Wish I Had
Lately I've been feeling so lonely, depressed would be the more suitable word actually. Not so depressed where suicide would be an answer. I'll never go back to that, it just makes things worse. I wish things could go back, so far back, I'm talking about when I was with Richard(first boyfriend, never kissed), he may not have been the best boyfriend, but he was actually always there for me. I should have opened up to him when I had the chance, I know he would have listened. He never actually tried to make me do things that I didn't want to do. But I'm glad I didn't experience those things with him, Richard was more like a friend to me, I wish I would have treated him better, instead of just shutting him out of my life. As weird as he was... I hope he's doing good. That was 8th and some of 9th grade there, a very long time ago. I haven't thought about those days in such a long time. My second choice of time would be early 10th grade when I started hanging out with Michelle, Leo, and Susie. I experienced a lot because of them. I experienced what it is to know what it's like to actually have a best friend, and a first kiss, I had my first alcoholic experience with them, and believe it or not my first time with homosexuality, but without having the actually feelings involved(long story, no need for explaining really). As bad as a first kiss Leo was, I'm glad that he was my first and not Daniel, if it had been Daniel, I think I would be in a worse state of mind than I am now. I wish I hadn't stopped talking to Leo either, but so many things got in the way, Michelle would say the samething, her and Leo used to be best friends, but other so called "friends" got in the way. I miss those good times, when we were called The Weekenders, every weekend we would hang out at Michelle's or Leo's, just stay there until about 12, or until their parents kicked us out, or our parents were looking for us. When we would be outside in the backyard, lying down in a circle with our heads laying on each others stomachs, just talking about I don't know what. So many memories, I can't even keep track of them all. I remember when Leo and I would sit on his skateboard and he would be kissing me, I can't believe I remember that. I doubt that he remembers that, he got so into drugs and alcohol.
I hope I die before I get old, so old that I won't be able to remember those times. I want to always remember those times we had, when we were happy, when we told each other everything. We weren't ashamed of ourselves when we hung out. A time machine would be a good thing to have right about now...damn scientists, when are they going to invent that? For the mean time, I guess I just have to make the best of it. Just wait until the fall when I'm finally out of here, and just leave everything behind. Maybe I'll find better things when I go to San Diego, I have to, I'll still keep in touch with Michelle of course, I tell her everything. A small city like this could really mess someone up, Michelle knows what I mean, and everyone else who left here knows it to, if they didn't know it, then they wouldn't have left.
I just wish I had someone else to talk to, Michelle is my best friend, but we're not even suppossed to hang out anymore, so it's hard to talk to her now, or even hang out with her.
I wish I had a relationship with someone that wouldn't completely change on me the wat Daniel did. I don't mind change, but not too much of a change, someone I can change with. It's hard to find someone that you have things in common with, especially since the things I like, not too many people my age like those same things. I don't want someone who's like me though, I don't even like me all that much, or else Iwouldn't be depressed.
Let's just put it this way, I want to be happy again, and I don't even know what that takes anymore.