| Current mood: | fuck you |
| Current music: | the neverenders - today is the day |
the future freaks me out
yet again ive been miserably neglegent to my blurty. and i apologize for all you avid blurty readers.
ive started to feel like absolutely no one reads this anymore, which may give it more point than my livejournal becuase maybe this journal can really be for me, not for the reader.
that aside, vacation has overall been rather successful. there are so many things that i realized over this short period of time. so many break-throughs and shit. i got closer than ever with certain people. and i love that and all of them. im so glad i befriended these people becuase they make me so happy. everyone is so genuine and decent and great and i dont think i tell them how much i appreciate them enough.
i have so much strong emotion in me right now, but if i wrote about it and wrote it all down i might cry and im too stable right now to cry.
i bet you dont even read this anymore becuase you are probably trying to forget me almost as much as im trying to erase you from my memory, but when i think about everything in retrospect, this last issue aside, why did you ever have to even IM me that day? for some fucking fucked up reason i decided to let you in. you know how i dont let people in. you knew everything. you knew how i didnt want to let you in, you knew all my precautions. you still insisted on pushing your way into my heart. you remember what happened to the last person i let in before you. you knew what it had to take out of me to let you in, all the stress, anxiety, fear. i did it anyway because i thought you were serious and i thought you were genuine. look at how you burned me. look at what i got for finally letting my guard down. why should i ever want to do that for anyone again. look at the only two experiences i can look back on.
im sorry i ever told you you know me as well as he did or that i ever cared about you more than an eigth of how much i cared and loved him becuase never will you ever measure up to even a third of the person he was. remember how you always used to tell me how i was the best thing to have ever happened to you? well dont you also remember how i never answered or recipricated? because i knew you werent. i even knew you were one of the worst things to have happened to me then, but as long as nothing had happened yet, i chose to ignore my instinct. i hope you rot without me. you're only on a downward spiral and i dont know when things will look up for you. what i told you the psychic said, wasnt all she said. and i almost felt bad for you for a minute. i felt sad and sorry.
there is no fucking point to spilling all of this because your not even going to read it and i almost dont want you to read it because what is the point of continuing to dig up old hurt and pain becuase it doesnt accomplish anything more than upsetting me. and i know you feel bad about everything that happened. but actions speak louder than words. thats why "sorry" doesnt mean shit when it comes from your mouth. then there is the other part of me that hopes you'll read this and maybe sit, and reflect back on everything and maybe realize how badly you hurt me and scarred me and maybe for once, you'll actually feel sorry. but i know you better than to think you would actually do something about it.
look at this, i just wasted 10 minutes of my life and 3 paragraphs of my blurty on you. and see, this whole time i was just trying to forget you. i know this is a horrible thing to do, but its so true. if anyting every happens, its most likely because of you.
fuck this...
gone~
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