| Current mood: |  nervous |
| Current music: | my chemical romance - our lady of sorrows |
honey, this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us. . .
i cant describe my feelings at all right now. i want things so badly to go back to even just a few days ago when i was so content. i still am, but things have changed and im not sure just how big of a deal they are. my grandma is having bowel problems but they could indicate something more important and frankly im worried for her. i feel like she doesnt have any real motivation for living so without any push from herself, she might just let herself slip away.
i want so badly to call her and tell her that i love her and care about her even though i have emotionally closed myself to her. i cant even remember when i started feeling blank and numb towards her. i just am such an asshole fuck-up that i cant do it out of pride and embarrassment.
to think this might be one of my only chances to and im going to watch it pass me by. wow i want to cry just thinking about how much im going to be sad and regret this when she's gone. im such a horrible person sometimes.
whats wrong with me?
i really do hate me.
i didnt think or know that i cared about her like this, but i realize she really is important to me and i love her dearly. when she comes out of the hospital and is hopefully better im going to ask her if i could sleep over and make coolies with her like i used to when i was little. i think it would make her happy. i selfishly think it would make me feel better. i wish i wasnt so afraid of her house either...its haunted! no serisously, it is. my psychic aunt even told me so.
more to say but again i dont feel like saying it even though i feel like im overflowing with confused emotion. bottled up feelings that have been building up for too long and i hope they dont come out wrong. i want you to care. and i want you to love me. and i want you to regret what you passed up. i want to know that you acknowledge everything. and i want so not remotely notice or care anymore. this is such a whirling hole and you only make me dizzier.
gone~
well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all.
i can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling
and now the red ones make me fly and the blue ones help me fall
and I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
and as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,
fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts...
i <3 mcr
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