|Current mood:|| restless|
|Current music:||Our Lady Peace - Suoerman is dead|
Another Insightful Update
I can to a realization today. The reason I view my existance as incredible missearable and dry is this hope the I have grown to hold on to. A hope that someday there will be a reason for me to live. A reason for me to exist at all. It's this one difinative thought that leads me to beleive that the presen is completely irrelevant to the events that will end up to be my life. There's a subconscience knowledge I possess that tells me I'm meant for something great. Which is also my greatest fear. That my life will be meaningless. Nothing strikes a pain in my soul greater then then being aware that I will live and die without having a purpose to doing so. It's like I'm waiting for this one great event where I can prove my true worth and need to exist, but disregarding everything else until my fantasy is achieved. Everyone dreams of great things of course, It's not like I'm the only person to acknowledge this desire. Its just that its so strong. I've never really felt a desire I've been so motivated to achieve. It's society that makes me misearable. Theres no room for improvment, theres nothing left of glory. What kind of valor can a man have in instances such as a fight these days. It's valor when a man could single handedly fight of an army with a sword and shield; but now a man can shoot a hundred men with a mounted machine gun and not even be recognized for his deed. Not that its good to kill, but thats just an example. Today there are no longer any ways for individuals to achieve glory or honor. It's all dollars and glitter. Sometimes I think of how life would have been centuries ago, even decades. Things were so different. People actually existed for purpose. Now they simply exist for no reason other than to live out their natural lifespans and die, only to repopulate and spread. It makes me sad to think that humankind is infact already extinct. What else is there for us to do. We are consuming all our resources, saboauging ourselves even though we are fully aware we are doing so. We are simply ants among the colony. None of us any more important then the other. That is what drives my need to make a difference. To be remembered, to make an impact. When I am gone will I be taught in textbooks as a great individual, will I be looked down upon as an enemy of the race, will I die as millions do; alone, unaknowledged, unknown, unmissed. It's difficult for me to express my thoughts articulatly. This is an issue taht has been troubling me for some time now, and it feels reassuring that maybe someone will read this and feel the same way I do, and share my thoughts. That all I really need, someone to complete me. I realize I'm young and restless in my search for life but I cannot wait any longer. This thought that drives me so passionatly has grown to the point where it consumes my every thought. I dont live a day where I don't think to myself "What can I do to be remembered". I often thought of joining some sort of military and proving my valor through combat, but I am well aware that I am no fighter, and do not possess ant military prowess. Still its something to hold on to until hopefully the one climactic event takes place that will define my entire life. Because if that event doesnot taking place, I will have nothing to prove my existance worth while, I would have been just another uninfluencial human being that does nothing but live and die according to natural law. I dont know how I will go about attaining my dream but I know that I must do so to give meaning to it all. I dont know if whoever is reading this can understand what I'm trying to convey through this entry. It seems as though I've reached a rut in my life and do not know how to overpass it. Its quite tragic that I come about a problem such as this so early in my existance, things are difficult to comprehend and most of my thoughts and ideas come about through fantasy and foolish desires. I dont know what to disregard and what to hold as true. I can just hope that someday It will all make sense, and I'll have someone or something to make sense with. Because that's all we really need in life, to make sense, to exist with purpose. Without Purpose we are nothing.
Simply shadows and dust of what could have been.