| Current mood: |  calm |
| Current music: | yet hopeful again some sadness too |
1 1/2 years in the making. A hard lesson learned the hard way, but now the circle is complete
Wow this is gonna be a long rant I am sure, and one I am sure I will edit down 30 times before its final posting. Nor will I use a cut command on this posting.
I learned many a lesson in the great " since 9-11 see Jeremy chasing his job and life race from Michigan to all over the damm world" trek. Some were simple like Jeremy gets job back, looses it again do to powers beyond his control. I accepted that twice. Some not so simple like, Jeremy buys house and nice car, Jeremy has to loose said house and car because of lack of money to do job loss. But there was ONE and only ONE thing I never accepted for those of you that have read my journal after all this time you know what that one thing is. I've said it a billion times I have only one regret. Jeremy finds and falls in love with Meredith. Jeremy and Meredith part. * I NEVER ONCE ACCEPTED THAT!! * That is until *NOW* It still sadden me to say that, but its true.
I held myself back from so many things and so many people because deep down on the inside I was still in love with Meredith and the ghost of her would simply not let go.
She claims she felt the same way towards me, but I really saw very little evidence of it. I wrote about her all the fucking time in this thing, she wrote about me maybe twice in her journal. I am not Meredith. Maybe she really did/does still love me I dunno I hope at one time she did, but looking back I so had to FIGHT to get it from her. I even had to fight Meredith herself for it at times. She loves to play things like a waiting game on you, or she goes out of her way to FIND something wrong in EVERYTHING. She like to test you and see what you will do. I'm sorry I didn't see it before, but I can sure see it now.
She claims since we parted that she has been diagnosed with manic depression. I now think there is even MORE to be added to that diagnosed as in add some neurotic tendencies in there as well. Every person she tell me about she FINDS some wrong with them somehow some way. Or if she still hangs out with said person like gamestop Matt it's because misery loves company as neurotics love neurotics ( I've been around the block too many times and seen an example of it a few hundred times). Maybe she doesn't even realize what she is doing to herself or to others around her I dunno. She says nothing is new anymore and things are dull and gray, well Kitty things are always gonna be dull and gray if those are the only things you ever look for. You say you want happiness, but I don't think that is true. You like to wallow in the pity of it all.
She self defeats herself before she even starts! She told me over the phone not so long ago. Well my new viewpoint on marriage is this. Since it seems to not work for anyone I'm not gonna get married. Fine if you think something is not gonna work then it sure as shit is not going to. Maybe I am lucky in the 75% of my friends that are married are STILL married, but I think I choose my friends more wisely. If you tell yourself something is *NOT* gonna work then sure as shit it's gonna fail on you, for you defeated it before it's start. That's why you have yet to finish college as well.
I also just love how you can justify lying to others, but they can not lie to you. Like when Matt lied about his other women. Or Chris lying. YET you can still suck off Coles dick while he was with Rachel? All because you think sucking dick is not a sexual thing and doesn't count? Genitals in mouth for purposes of sex gratification counts as adultery in most courts of law I know of. Oh no thats not cheating/lying to others, no not at all Meredith would never do that. And like I said on the phone Kitty hey at least I wasn't fucking people in lieu of paying for the rent.
Thank you for opening my eyes! You are by for the most confused, self centered, yet self destructive women I know (captain destro *IS* a great nickname for you!), you hide it well yes, but its true and you KNOW it is true. You KNOW that mentally there is something wrong too, but you refuse the help for it. I honestly think you need more help then what you realize or maybe you just refuse to see that as well.
You were the last lesson I had to learn from my 9-11 trek, but a lesson I did finally learn. Too bad I had to learn it the hard way. I was so in love with you. or maybe it was just the IDEA of you and what we had for a time in that small trailer in no where Texas. Maybe because I got no closure before I felt that it never ended.
At least this time you around where were a bigger girl then last time and you didn't get your MOTHER to call for you.
After all is said and done your still just a frightened little girl aren't you? Making up the rules as you go along. Most women claim they dislike a man that lacks self confidence. Well Meredith the same thing holds true for men as well. Most men dislike women that lack self confidence and you Meredith lack alot of it.
You still have so much to learn and so far to go Meredith. I wish I was there to see your karma swing around and hit you in the ass.
I learned what I need to from you. I learned that sometimes no matter how much you love someone sometimes that love is not really returned. I also learned not to let the ghost of my past haunt me to my present day. You really are NOT all that after all Meredith and I let alot of good women pass me by over the guilt I felt for still loving you.
Well that guilt is gone now. Hell I never should have felt it in the first place should I? Go play your fucked up mental kid frightened girl games with the others. My slate and conscience is clean and clear now. The ghost of you will no longer hold me back ever again.
Part of me DOES still love you Meredith I will admit that. but an even bigger part of me say "Jeremy yes you can love her, but not like before, not now, and not like this under these circumstances"
I do not hate you Kitty. I know we said alot of cruel words last night. I SHOULD hate you, but I don't. What I feel for you now Meredith is a sadness for you (not for me) and PITY.
And like I wrote to you in my last e-mail leaving you with the feeling of pity is really very sad and in a way even worse then how we parted before.
But it was still great fun while it last and I will treasure what little time we had together. I don't honestly know if you feel the same I hope you do, but I guess now it doesn't really mater. Thank you for the love that you made me feel at one time. Thank you for that little peace and happiness I found in that small town and trailer in no where Texas.
I have to let you go now kitty even if it still saddens me just a little, we just can never be and I can see that now.
I hope you find whatever it is you seek. I wish you nothing but the best and all the luck in the world.
I will still say this one last time for I still truly mean it.
I love you Meredith.
.... but I am so sorry I have to let you go (tears in eyes)
may god/goddess have mercy on both our souls.
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