I think i just about hate life...
Nothing... thats what i have now! Everything.. that's what i used to have! It sucks how one stupid mistake changes your life so drastically; how you can go from meaning everything to a person to meaning absolutely nothing in just a few days. I have never cried so much. The "inner girl" has surely taken over for the past two weeks. I dont know how to describe how i feel. There isnt any way to describe it... ive found myself divided into lyrics of a million songs as i somehow relate to a verse or two in them. I went to see "Rum & Coke" at the Coconut Grove Playhouse on Sunday, and the actress (playperson, whatever) said something that sums up most of my feelings. As she transformed into one of her many characters, this time the Cuban Prostitute, she spoke about how she lost her father. "When you fully realize what has happened", said she, "you get an overwhelmingly empty feeling at the pit of your stomach. At that moment you would do ANYTHING to have that person back, then the feeling goes away and you understand that it is never going to happen." How sad that this is how i feel. I dont want ot pity myself but i hate being depressed, and it IS how i feel! I am so confused... i want to just release all of my emotions, leave my house, walk nowhere, and be nothing. I dont want to realize that i might have fully lost him! It was all my fault but id be willing to do ANYTHING to have him back. As i was telling jessy.. i keep wishing to myself that im going to wake up one of these days and ill still be with him and our lives would be perfect because i would have had a glimpse of what life is without him. But as he tells me that he has now moved on... to my "BEST FRIEND" i cant help but think that hrmmm maybe there isnt much left. I have no more "genius" ways of trying to make him like me again! I wont give up though.. i know that i am stronger than that! Well, until next time! - Patty P.