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Natasha (lonelypepper) wrote,
@ 2005-04-23 02:00:00
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    Current mood: lonely
    Current music:The Mars Volta

    I think I'm going to use this journal for more intimate posts since It's pretty safe to say that nobody reads this one. Well yeah, been feeling pretty on the lame side. I think it's safe to say that I'm a disappointment to my dad. There's so much I want to accomplish and he's really just dragging me back. I even try to impress him sometimes and I don't think he sees that. I hate so much how my dad has picked a favorite out of us two children and it's definitely not me. I keep on telling myself to run away, but I know I won't because I'm too afraid. I really don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. I've always wanted to have a nice tight group of friends that I do everything with but I can't find it.

    At the moment I've just been dealing with the card I'm dealt without trying to make it better. I guess you could say I put myself into this situation. This applies to everything in my life right now such as friends, career, family, and relationships. Tonight David asked me to be his girlfriend once again, and I said yes, even though I didn't really want to. I have no real feelings towards him. I haven't even kissed him yet. I don't know if I even care to. Maybe I'm just too afraid to commit anymore. every time I fell hard for somebody, I always get my heart broken. First I fall for Dominic, lose my virginity to him, then he doesn't talk to me for 3 months, then I do the same with him again, and he does the same thing. Second was Allan. Fell in love, came back from Scotland, hear he cheated on me, then brakes up with me. Thirdly was George, fell so hard for this spunky e-tard raver. He wooed me. He flattered me. He made me feel so loved, but he found somebody else who lived closer.

    Most recent fall was Nick. It's strange because we never officially dated but he made me so happy. My heart would always speed up every time he called me, even when he text-messaged me. Never did I have such butterflies before when I saw him. Then it seemed as if overnight he grew disgusted with me. Why? I don't know. I still think about him.

    I don't know if I can trust anybody else anymore. I want to start over.
    There was a little time, after I was arrested that I really had suicidal tendencies. I tried to drown myself but I couldn't hold my breath long enough. Now, the only thing that's kept me from killing myself is the thought of my parents having to deal with my death. After having 4 friends die in my lifetime, I really wouldn't want my parents to deal with something that tragic.

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