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Ashley (lonelyinlife51) wrote,
@ 2003-08-06 15:31:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:Rooney-"Stay Away'

    Random thoughts...
    I was typing up a journal thing on my computer and I decided to make this now I will just post some things that I had already had typed up.

    I sit here alone in my room thinking of all the bad that I have done or that has been done to me. I always think this way and it’s hard to change to a positive way of thinking after thinking in a negative way for so long. It seems that no matter how hard I try to please them…I always end up not pleasing THEM enough. I’ve been molded into this person that I don’t recognize anymore, and it hurts me to think that I always try not to be how people want me, but in the end that’s how I am. I am just the way THEY want me to be. I try to understand THEM, I try to help THEM, and it seems that I always do something wrong and THEY can only blame me of course. I don’t really want much in life. I just want to live my life to the fullest and take in everything in that I possibly can. I’ve always been afraid of one thing in life and that is death. Now that my mom is on the verge of death…it’s the only thing that I can think of. Sometimes I feel that I’m already dead because of the way I live. I’m stuck in this little hell and I can never escape. God forgive me for thinking such things of a place THEY provide for me. I love THEM more than anything, but it’s hard to love the person that makes me THEIR slave.
    I only want a simple life. I want to end my life with the person that I love. Sometimes HE is my only friend, and sometimes HE is the only person that notices me.
    God please give me the strength to live with THEM for a little while longer. Give me the strength to take their orders and brutal words. God please watch over my family and especially my mom because she is my everything, God please make sure my dad is happy in life, and God please just listen to all my prayers because I don’t pray that often.


    You go through life thinking you know what you want, but then you decided to change it because something awesome happens to you. I always dreamt of meeting the PERFECT person and then we would get married and probably live happily ever after. WRONG! I do believe that there is someone out there for me, but I don’t know if I’ll ever find him. In my honest to God feeling I think I have found him, but I don’t think he wants to be with me. This really hurts me because we have been professing our ever-dying love to each other for the past five years, and it’s just now that he tells me that we should enjoy our life now because we won’t be together later. Well! Thank you! Thank you for finally telling me after all this time. Thank you for building my hopes up. Thank you for telling me bluntly you don’t want to be with me later in life. No worries. I’m not hurt at all. I’ll just go on smiling as if nothing ever happened. Fuck no! I am hurt. I am sad. I don’t ever want to talk him again. I’m sure I’ll have to but it wont be the same cheery conversation we usually have. No way baby! I’m done with this thing called love. Probably done forever.


    I’m trying to make it my duty to type in this makeshift journal. So, here I am again venting. As I was sitting in the car on the way home I was thinking yet again. I was thinking of Usman. Someone I don’t need to think about and forever banish him from my mind and heart! It’s really difficult because I did love him after all and you can’t just forget about someone just because you want to. It’s virtually impossible. I was basically thinking about how it would have been if I were able to go to Uncle Ansar’s Wedding. Maybe Usman and would have been happy and grown closer together and then again maybe not, but who really knows? I feel so bad…well in the fact that I’m trying to push Usman out of my mind. It really can’t be helped in any way possible! I have to go through with this if it’s the last thing I do. I would have to say that it IS hard to do. For the past days after Usman and I had our little fight…I’ve been waiting online for him and I find this little activity to be pathetic on my part. Why sit around and wait for someone that I’m trying to forget for the rest of my life? WHY???? I’m so stupid sometimes and I think that in the end I will never be able to truly forget about him, but I owe it to myself to at least try because he’s not worth all the pain that I’m in because of him. I suppose long distance relationships don’t work and that my cousin Apryl was right all along. There was nothing really there between Usman and myself and that I should just forget about him because in the end it would hurt me anyway. I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out. So, I bid Usman goodbye and hopefully I will be able to live a happier life.


    So! I signed on to the Internet and then onto my MSN Messenger and I had received and email…All of a sudden I was happy and for one split second I thought it was from Usman, but it wasn’t. When am I going to learn that I just need to get over him??? I suppose never because I keep thinking about him and it’s just the little things that remind me of him. NO MORE! I will not think of him again…or at least try not to think about him.
    I miss my mom. No…she didn’t pass away or nor has she left us in any way. I just miss my old mom. She’s changed completely and I just miss her. I want her back and I just have this bad feeling that I will never get her back, and in the end I will probably end up loosing her for good. Why do bad things happen to good people? God please tell me!

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