|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||Ride by Samuel Hazo|
Goddess, it's been awhile since I've been here.... but I think I'm just going to keep it for ranting and shit.. that way no one over on LJ reads it.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I saw Ken last night at State and I thought that all the feelings that I had for him were gone and just seeing him it was like "I like you". I didn't want this to happen. I figured that the next time I would be seeing him would be at Nationals and then I could really figure that I was over him. But fuck it, I'm not. Why am I not over him yet?! I want to be and it's like I can't. It's not like I'm going to marry him or anything but I mean, I can't help it. He's always been so nice to me and like last night I couldn't tell but it seemed like he was flirting with me at one point. I just want to know what is going on now. I don't understand my life anymore and I'm just fucking ready to cut again and I don't want to. No one understands.
And the thing is, I've told him that I liked him and yet he still treats me like a friend. I guess that I should be happy about that but it kind of makes me wonder if maybe he likes me too. Alyssa keeps telling me that he does, but when do I listen to her about things in the romance department?
I know that it sounds bad, but I want someone to love me. I don't want to be alone anymore.