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Im a baby. (lolidoll) wrote,
@ 2004-01-29 00:33:00
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    Current mood: aggravated

    Oh my god, Im going crazy.
    Where do I begin?
    Should I confess my sins right now for all of blurty world?
    I got a job at Subway and guess what happens to be next door? Lampu, the japanese restaurant
    with all the many Vietnamese workers that I secretly have crushes on... (you know I like asian guys..)
    So I meet this one... Jeng? (Im really not good with Vietnamese spelling..) I like him a lot. He's Chinese
    actually... and we meet together and go to the hotel to drink and hang out once a week... and I talk to
    him on the phone but i have no idea if he really likes me or is using me. Ya know? He says I think too much.
    He's right... I mean, I doubt we'll ever work out... for crying out loud Im actually not very single....
    Oh my goodness... Im a bad person? No, just confused. I dont know why I like him... I call him too much..
    I feel like Im chasing him and its going to scare him away so maybe I shouldnt call so much?
    I could try but I dont know. I want to forget about him...

    Im frustrated. I wore a skirt that was way too short and the Wendys workers were ummmm... noticing and laughing... so me with my cute skirt and beer in my tummy... I flicked them all off... which is STUPID because we work in the same shopping center and there in all the time and the managers are constantly talking to eachother... and I want Jeng to want me... I dont trust him... I wish I loved Atsuo but I wonder how can I be so attracted to Jeng... so I must not be in love with Atsuo... I feel like a slut for going to the hotel to meet with Jeng but I do it because I want him to like me more.... and Im actually starting to disrespect my ownself and my own feelings because of him... and ... well... he's right... I think too much. I feel dirty. Me and my short skirt... I feel like an escort yucky girl only here to serve Asian men. I feel like nothing. Im starting to lose touch with myself.
    So I try to be more sexy so he'll want me more... and.. I dont know why... so then I get drunk with Jeng and love it at first and then by the end of the night Im CRYING drunk begging him to like me more and not use me... I feel pathetic. I mean, Im an adorable sweet girl.. (no im not conceited.. but right now I need to feel better about myself...) If people say Im so pretty and cute... then why is this happening? Somedays I say "fuck it" and I dont care... but inside I think I do care. I felt like trash tonight... unattractive... trying to hard... I hate short skirts for the time being.

    My first instinct is to runaway. Last night I told Atsuo to buy me a plane ticket back to Texas right away... like this
    weekend. By morning I had calmed down and decided that wasnt rational just to quit my job... leave everything behind just because its getting harder. Thats weak... thats taking the easy way out. Im frustrated and angry.
    I need to calm down and not care, right?

    Tonight after the Wendys madness me and my sis went to Vi's. Oh my goodness... AGAIN... Vi has turned into a flake. He was weird... Id explain more but Im too frustrated to type anymore.. I keep misspelling everything.
    I'll try to update more frequent.

    Miss. Silly Jilly

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