Demented Letters From Santa
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screendoor in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy.
Let me give you some since Lego in the mean time and let's see if you can build up a family with those.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table.
And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little brats!
(That one made me laugh the most. :P)
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Your best friend,
That whiny, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't fly up here.
You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head.
I wud lik a kool toy spase ranjur 4 Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in trash disposal. How about I send you a freaking dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least he can spell!
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
I'll tell you what. I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick some sense into your freaking head.
Who names their kid "Francis" anyway?!
Do you see when we're sleeping, do you reallt know when we're awake, like in the song?
Are you really that stupid?
I hope my reindeers crash through your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child!
I'm skipping your house.
We don't have a chimney in our house. So how do you get into our home?
First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky". That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Mt. Druitt. I can get inside your shit hole just like all the crims do. I'll mail your mum some crack the week before Xmas and she'll leave me a key. I'm sending you food stamps for Xmas.
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for us peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love from your friend,
Milk gives me the shits and the carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.