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Samantha (lilroxybabe8188) wrote,
@ 2012-02-21 19:44:00
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    It's been nearly two weeks since my last entry. I haven't had much time to sit down and write, as my life feels like it's filled to the brink. I had no idea work was going to cause so many transitions in my life, but it has. I'm happy about that. It's grounding me a little more.

    Without free time, much of my emotional side is slipping out, as the logical and structured version of myself is creeping up. I am a homebody. I mean, I've been becoming one ever more frequently. But work gives me an excuse to live the life I think I've really wanted to be veering towards. It's now acceptable to skip out on Monday nights at the Stil and it's okay that I'm not at 5ive Martini for happy hour right now. I don't want to be drinking because I want to be cherishing the little free time that I have. So I passed on this afternoons offer. Groceries, laundry, and cleaning are on my to-do list for this evening. With a lot of John Mayer accompanying me through it all.

    Since I've last written my life has taken leaps and bounds. Noah and I exchanged "I love you's". It was a one time thing and I'm okay with that. It was a lot of build up. A lot and it didn't go the way I had planned. But does it ever? The point is... it's out there. We had a conversation about our feelings for once, as opposed to simply expressing them through sex. (Which I think is something he doesn't get - why I am so interested in sex all the time - it's the only time we really express our feelings). We decided we didn't want it to be something we said all the time. It will not be something we tag on to the end of our phone conversations and I like that. I'm content with that. It means it matters all the more when it actually is said.

    I visited my parents this past weekend in Key West. It was long overdue, but when I found out I was off yesterday because of Presidents Day I shot my mom a text and within two hours she'd booked me round-trip first-class tickets with rides arranged and everything. She really was fantastic and my visit this weekend was wonderful. We went out Saturday night and spent Sunday at the beach. Sunday night we lazed and Monday morning we shopped and grabbed some lunch before I flew out. Noah picked me from the airport, and after a rocky and awkward start to our night, we wound up cuddled in bed after catching up on Walking Dead.

    Apparently I posted something on twitter mentioning seeing Noah and Danny's tweet that followed was a clear cut sign that I was hurting his feelings. I would have honestly missed it (due to my four-hour plane ride) had Lisa not texted me about the dramatics. I think she expected me to make fun of him with her, but I still can't. I feel guilt, sadness, bitterness, and anger all at the same time. I mean, he did this. He forced me to this place where I had to stop talking to him. And stop talking to him I have. It's been weeks now without a word uttered. I texted him on the anniversary of his fathers passing but he simply responded that until I wanted to speak to him on a real level, and not out of obligation of a certain date, to not even bother. It stung and I typed a thousand responses but I never clicked send on any of them. I keep telling myself he will be better off if we're not friends. He's fine and I'm fine. There is a hole where I feel like I lost a best friend and one of the people who gets me most. But he continuously attempts to cross the line and so I know this is for the best. I can't keep running in these circles or having it weight on my relationship with Noah like it has.

    Work is overwhelming. I have so many more obligations than I was first expecting. Despite being hired as a technical "intern", I have taken on the role of project manager for our new database. I will be working with each of our architects to stay on top of their projects. It's overwhelming and frustrating to have so much to learn, but I keep reading, outlining, and studying. It hasn't even been two weeks so I need to just give myself time. I will get there.

    Anyway. I wish I could feel relaxed enough to write more. But there's a lot I want to tackle, and I'm sure by the time I do relax I'll just fall asleep. I've got a lot on my plate, and some missing, but I feel good. I'm just going with it all for now.


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