| Current music: | Blindsided - Bon Iver |
I feel like I need to re-evaluate my life at the moment. Maybe because I'm heading out to a funeral in the next hour. Maybe because I'm sitting here forcing myself to eat wondering what is wrong with my body that I've had no appetite for weeks now. I don't really know.
I had this conversation with Chrissy the other day that almost brought me to tears. I keep seeing this pattern of suppressed emotions. I was telling her how I found my senior letters and they just pulled me back to where I wanted to be. I used to be so passionate. Now I keep everything in my life so casual. Because thats how I think people want me to be. I'm always going to be appeasing people. Inside my mind I'm constantly fighting off surges of emotion. I find the only time these feelings escape is when I find myself longingly looking at people. I've become so detached. I suck with words.
How do you get relationships so right? How did I get so twisted into this fear of honesty? I mean even the words "I like you" are impossible for me to get out when I want to. And I look at Christina and Ben and how they've grown and how she's grown as an individual because of it. It's incredible how the right person can make somebody blossom into such a beautiful person. Chrissy's always had a gold heart, but something about how she can just talk about her and Ben with such confidence and joy. It's promising.
I'm handling my life appropriately right now. That's a complicated statement to make, I know. But I'm trying to balance my heart and my head in every life choice right now. With the exception of Halloween I suppose I'm not failing too badly. I just need to lay off the drinking a little haha.
I don't have enough hours in the day. This week is especially seeming to be that way. I have a lot of work and I suppose thats where I should keep my focus. I think my current struggle is to keep building the relations in my life... I feel like my ties with every single person are at a standstill... and some even deteriorating with my inability to put effort into them. I don't want to see this happen. I mean, where has Dorl been? I don't mean to be the bad friend I have been to some people.
Anyway - I'm going to go clean and arrange my life. I am happy to have Kingston home. I can't believe he was locked in my garage for two days. I was thinking about taking him to the vet but he's not even phased. I gave him water and food and he ate and drank a lot. More than anything he just wanted to go outside and play. As nervous as I was, his wining would not give after an hour so he's outside now with water bowls all around the house. I'm petrified he'll get dehydrated.
Gooooodbyeee.
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