Samantha Marie (lilroxybabe8188) wrote, @ 2009-10-24 16:53:00

I know it wasn't that long ago that I wrote this entry but I really like it and want to remind myself of it:

I want to love. something other than the rain pouring down driving through loch raven thinking how spectacular each and every thing would look in a photograph snapshot. something other than my hands all done up in full-set french manicures complete with david yurman ring.

Noelle and I talked about thinking you'll never get over someone. It will happen. One day I'll be ready again but for now I'm just here... in the waiting zone - coping with not bringing other people into my life as a means of a crutch. I need to be alone. I can fill this void with so many things: late night movies and kitty visits with my new roommate, beers on dorl and jacks basement sofa, happy hours with my friends, schoolwork and getting good grades. I can focus on the me and rebuilding it.

I used to think dating was a means of figuring out who or what you wanted. But when you're dating anybody who shows they care about you, you're not learning anything - except that at the end of the day you simply don't want to be alone. I will never find out what I want if I don't find out what makes up me.

I feel like I should be Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride when she goes through re-trying all the different styles of eggs because she's always just adhered to what her fiance likes. Well, at least I know how I like my eggs! (Fried over medium please! and if it's 3am and I'm drunk you can go ahead and throw it on a cheeseburger for me).

Anyway - I'm going to get me back soon. One step at a time I'm getting there. I don't need boys and attention. I need to get a sense of self. I need to be content with my life because I've gotten a taste of everyone else's that I once craved... they're not for me. My life is for me..

I have made SO much progress from this in the past month. It's amazing how you think you'll never be back to 100% and then find yourself there shortly after. I've had time to focus on myself. I've become more appreciative in the past weeks. I don't know why. I think I'm so afraid of becoming someone so stereotypical. I found myself in yoga pants and my moms lexus this morning thinking "oh god please don't ever let me be the person I could so easily be judged as". What I mean is, I want to forever remain down to earth. And looking at my life and everything that is served to me on a silver platter... it requires effort for me to remain grounded.

I think that I still focus too much on myself. But something about it has changed. I focus on the flaws and what needs improvement. I'm living too much in my head which is bad. I need to start communicating feelings to people. Otherwise I'm sure I'll drive myself into a frustrated corner. But aside from that, I'm doing alright :) Cheers.

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