inspired by jon's journal.
let's see. how many times do i fuck myself over? my actions and my moods and emotions are repetitive.
so let me cry about it... WHY DO I ATTACH MYSELF SO BADLY? COMPARE ME TO A BARNICLE ON A BOAT... A LEECH TO AN ARM... A FREAKING BABY STUFFED IN ITS MOTHER'S WOMB. what shitty comparisons they are.. but it's all true.
so let me fucking cry about it god dammit. let's compare this to last year - last year maybe i was happy? who the hell knows when i'm happy anymore? maybe i have a god damned problem - maybe i don't. maybe i thought i could do this again, but with someone new- i'm not too sure of myself anymore.
i don't have what it takes right now to be in a perfectly stable relationship. maybe i'll never have what it takes. i'm never satisfied with anything, i'm way too attached and dependent, and that in turn is consequential to me fucking myself over.
i'm so fucking typical, i want to shoot myself in the face. i just constantly fucking lie about stupid shit ... and yet i speak too much at the same time. what's wrong with me? i should seriously not go near anyone. i'm like a fucking toxin, like a parasite that once i get in you - i'll never find my way back out unless you kill me. and if i could find a song applicable to how i feel right now, that'd be real great.
fuck these fucking pills. i'm gonna wind up saying something i'll regret. i'm fed up, i'm torn up, and yet at the same time i'm FINE. I'M PERFECTLY FINE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AT ALL. I'M DELLUSIONAL. i miss so much from my past, and wish i could bring it all back - until, wait! i felt like this back then too!
WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
i'm so horribly distraught right now, i need to be pegged with a tranquilizer.
i feel like puking. or something.
and in 10 fucking minutes i'mi going to be back to my normal self. LIKE NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED. like i didn't even feel this way. i need to cry. i need a combination of people right now, mixed into one. one who understands, respects, says nothing but at the same time says everything. i need some sort of consolation that seems unattainable at this point.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i need to walk away, i need to either save myself - and rebuild what i lost.... or i'm seriously goig to just crumble and there's just so much i need to say right now.... and i can't. i can't fucking do it because i'm a pussy.
my mouth creates conflict.
amazing.
it's like i want it all but nothing at all - IT'S LIKE THE GOD DAMNED O-TOWN SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm soo insane. this sucks, i need to fucking relax or some shit.
i need to separate myself. from him.
right now.
what the fuck.
i'm so blank.
if i could create the perfect boyfriend/relationship, here's how it'd go:
----- we'd have a bunch of mutual friends.. like a big group of about 10 of us. our lives would be filled with partying and hanging out with our big group of friends. he would make me LOVE my high school career ... he would make it worth it. i'd work a few hours a week at $13 an hour. he'd always treat me good, and understand me like i need to understand myself. we'd go to prom together, spend prom weekend together with our friends down the shore... we'd do crazy shit... there'd be no problems. we'd never get tired of each other, and we'd know each other's secrets. we'd be best friends. we would equally look up to and admire each other. there'd be no drama because our friends would back our asses up in anything. we'd argue and maybe even fight a little, but it'd always end up with "that was stupid, i love you." there'd be no sorry's. he'd adore me more than i'd adore him. we'd be attached but not too. i wouldn't feel the need to create unnecessary conflict, just to test how much he cared... or even whether or not he understood the meaning of love. it would be understood without reiteration. i wouldn't have to need reassurance. he'd keep me under his wing... i'd have no reason to be unnecessarily angry. his parents would LOVE me and my family would love him. he'd suprise me with really tiny things. i'd be happy. and it'd last longer than just a few days.*
as jon eckrich would say,
i'm done writing.
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