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Annie (lil_ann) wrote,
@ 2003-07-19 21:35:00
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    Current mood: lonely
    Current music:tiny dancer-elton john

    back from alabama
    I probably should tell about what I did in Alabama, but I really don't want to right now..i'm pretty upset..I got home and the first thing i do is sit my stuff down, and I read Kyle's thing they handed out at the funeral..and then this thing that people wrote stuff to him.I miss him so much, i dread going back to swimteam and him not being there. The next to last time i talked to kyle was one day when we both sat out practice.I always picked on kyle..and when we were talking he was like annie why do you always pick on me? and i replied aww kyle you know im just messing with you im sorry if i ever hurt your feelings or something along those lines..and we really had a good conversation.I think God does things like that for reasons.and I love him for that.everyone says im over emotional..but lord dont i deserve to kinda be? i try to tell myself that God does these things to me so when im older ill be able to talk to people that the same things happen to, but its hard sometimes to make myself believe that. the last time i talked to kyle he had his hair up in pig tails and was walking around and dustin rooker got arrested for being drunk at one of the swim meets. Its so hard to be close to anyone anymore, I feel like if i get close to anyone they are going to let me down somehow or another.but then again maybe i should take the time to get to know people better so i will be able to remember those memories..and another reason im kinda upset is because and this probably sounds stupid but i got on ftj to check to see if i had any msgs or anything like that and i go to look at my friend taylors profile and on turn ons or something like that it said krista and i mean he hasnt ever said anything to me about a krista, and i mean i think he would tell me if he had a girlfriend and maybe im just assuming things..but that just kinda upset me.jealousy has struck once again.reality struck me this week.. yet here i am sitting in my comfortable chair typing on my expensive computer with an expensive cell phone in my pocket etc etc. for those who dont know this week i went on a mission trip..but i dont really want to type all i did right now. i will eventually.i feel like throwing up, i need to talk to someone.but who? my best friend says i have went physco and all my other friends are too immature to take me serious and i dont want taylor to think im over emotional AGAIN..my only hope is this blurty journal..i feel like crying all over again. i feel like running and away and camping out by nikkis grave. good lord im too young to have to deal with all these things. i should be worrying about boys and clothes and all that shit like every other girl and here i am talking about things i dont want to have to deal with.i wish i had someone that i could talk to that was going through the same things...everyone i talk to doesnt know what to say to me..or they say that they know how i feel when they really dont which just pisses me off.and when people say they will be here for me and shit and i know i would never call them in my life and they dont expect me to.and i dont like going to counciling at all..they just sit there and stare and its like my lord i get the same help from a bologna sandwich.i had a really good time in alabama getting away from all the trouble in mv..in that sence i didnt want to leave and come back and have to deal with all these things..i feel awful for not going to kyles funeral..i was riding in the church bus coming back from working or something and i looked up at the clock..10:something and i was just thinking about how i should be sitting in a pew instead of sitting in a church bus..and i just felt like beating myself up for not just like stopping everything i was doing and going back to mountain view, because i think kyle would have done that for me. or atleast ashley or debbie one. it broke my heart when i was reading this thing where everyone wrote things to kyle, and one said I hope you are doing good- Courtney..thats his little sister..she is like 7. it makes me sick to think ill never see him again. ill never get to beat him in swimming and rub it in his face..ill never get to skip practices with him again..what i would give to have 5 minutes to talk to him and my sister and adam. if only to have adam and kyle and nikki to laugh at me or make fun of me or upset me, atleast to have one more time. i have to go to church in the morning, so i guess im going to try to go to sleep or something. ill write back soon



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