Journal Entry: Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Sometimes if you get too absorbed in life, then you cannot see what is going on on the outside. You just see your world you just see one way, and one way that you think that will solve all your problems is suicide, which isn't. I don't know how I go from frantically suicidal last week to enjoying life this week. Maybe Dr. Hardy was right, I might have that type of depression where it is bad before I get my period. Because last week was like hell. It was horrible. My god, I was thinking of suicide every other second. Now in class it is getting better, I can focus better, but still I feel numb.
Today I was thinking about it. I am only seventeen years old. I am seventeen years old and a freshman at an ivy league university. I am doing a lot. I should be proud of where I am. Other kids are still in their junior year of high school. Here I am with nineteen and twenty year old college students. I'm doing a hell of a good job. I should be proud of where I am. Oh and another thing I was thinking about ---- I will never be legal to drink in my undergraduate college years. Isn't that a riot. But hey-- I'll get done with my stuff earlier.
Today Sarah (my best friend) got this booklet about a medical school in Texas. It was so encouraging, because it seemed like a really great med school. I think I could get into that one. It just lifted my spirits-- because realizing I can accomplish something I can do something with my life, there is no need to end it now. Then I will be a successful dermatologist practicing in Florida. It makes me so happy to think that I might be able to accomplish my dreams-- my dreams of becoming a doctor. Again thinking about it, it is odd that I want to pursue a medical career, since my mother is a doctor. But it just gives me faith that if I stick to it, I can accomplish it. It is all a matter of not doubting yourself, because if you doubt yourself-- then you have lost everything.
--------------so don't doubt yourself-------------------------
So guess who called today? Mr. Dibble. It turns out that they want me to babysit on Monday. Isn't that great? I'm so happy. Everything is falling together again. Everything will be okay if I only give it time. This is the thing I need to remember--- to just give myself time for things to blow over-- and everything will be alright in the end.
That reminds me I need to get my financial aid information together by this Friday so I can stay here over the summer. I'm sure that I will more than qualify. Then I can take a course here.
And tomorrow I need to speak to my 2nd block professor about extending my incomplete-- or to get more information to finish it.
So today I threw up three times. Yeah I know that is bad. The final time I threw up, I actually threw up blood. I don't know what the hell has gotten into me. Why the hell I do this. Why? Okay so starting tomorrow, I'll be a good good girl and no throwing up. That means I should eat breakfast tomorrow, and skip lunch. Water load.
And another thing that I did, I told Sarah that I'm bulimic. *eeep* I guess it is good to get it out. I trust her so much. She is such a great friend. I don't know what I would do without her, gosh I love her a lot. But yeah, so she says that if I keep this bulimia up, then um--- she's going to become bulimic also. Mia buddy? yes no? no! I do not want to drag her into the eating disordered world of me. This is hell. I don't wish this on anyone.
So I think I just need to drink a lot of water to keep my appetite away. Oh, and now that I made money from babysitting I can go get some caffiene pills. Life is good when I have money.
Now I wonder what I'm going to get Richard for Valentine's Day. Maybe a nice picture frame of me... and some cute boxers. Maybe a small thing of perfurme-- I'm thinking Victoria Secret's Sexy for Him, or Ralph Lauren -- Romance for Men. I'll have to go shop on Thursday.
Well, I'm going to try and go to bed early because of my final tomorrow. I'm going to try and go to the music library in the morning to study the sildes again. So wakeup about 7:20 am... yeah so I need to go to bed soon. Shower, etc
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