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les (leswhat) wrote,
@ 2004-09-19 23:01:00
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    wow. I cannot believe some of the things that people put in their journals. ( don't look at mine, it's the same). I guess just like everyone else it is a way to vent, to get their emotions checked. But, can you believe that we haven't blown the earth clear out of the universe. We might just be better off as an extinct species. That way people of the future can only make guesses of what we where really like. I feel all alone in this world. Am i the only one that has these thoughts. is this paranoia all in my mind. I just like to write. I let the words flow. Does it make sense? kinda. makes you think. I think therefore i write. I write before i think. it doesn't matter. it is all coming out. flowing like a river. creek. maybe just a leaky faucet. It has been bottled up for so long. get it while it is. it might all end as quickly as it started. maybe better off just being locked inside. should i let someone in. maybe i should make names for all those locked inside. they all have the same name though, they have the same voice. I can't distinguish anyway. they are many. sometimes they are all quiet. sometimes they are all talking at once, screaming, whimpering, which one will make the strongest impression today,right now.

    are the voices they keep talking about my own. conversing with each other. sometimes they leave me out of the conversation. I can hear them though. they are trapped. not going anywhere ever. only I know they are there. but sometimes i think they forget i am here. they just talk. can't do anything. no harm. they are just voices. they have no power. i make my own decisions. but they do talk. i worry, when they stop. did they get out? where did they go. maybe asleep. they need no sleep. can they escape? will the come for me. they are nothing without me. i am their source. i think. do i. someone is. who is that. what do you mean. what do you want. can you help me? you talk like you have the answers, but i've gotten nowhere. maybe i have. no. but what if i did. would it mean anything. would it make anything different? can it be different. maybe this is it. maybe this is my destiny. there has to be more. will it carry on. can it. it must. it will end though, won't it? maybe it continues. will i realize the new life. will this influence that. it must. i can feel the past. the future. i don't know. they come from that place. must be the past. they know. they have seen. they teach me. but they are only for me. wise they are, to me. others. others just they don't. they cant understand. won't understand. maybe they shouldn't know. it could be the only way to protect them. future is doomed. I will survive it. surely they will to. I will show them. they will listen then. have no other choice. should we survive though. if not surely we will be back. that is the cycle. we haven't learned enough. to many levels. how many are in there. that is the answer. cant see them. they all sound the same. how to count them. thats the answer. trick them. impossible. it is only one, but he has others. he speaks for all of them. he won't tell me how many. it doesn't matter to him. he just wants to learn more. they get enraged though. I have held them back. they are mad at me. but, i control them. not the anger. they own that. they did. i make the choices. but they do get angry. they don't understand. they do. they just dont have the control. they just talk. influence. a little. maybe i should give them more. it is dark in there. no light. cant get light in. don't really need it. just voices. would light make them go away. no its dark. that is how it has to be. not the issue. what do they really want. can i give it to them. can i make them be quiet. who would talk then. someone else. NO. what would someone else know. reason with them. ask them what they want. work together. it will never end. i won't let it. that is not in my control. why should i. they are the only friend. my own. they will never let me down. they do get discouraged. makes them angry. they are always angry though. they know to much. they can't teach though. only learn. don't want to teach. no time. must learn. what else to learn. which knowledge to seek. could be learning now. questions only slow the process. but the process has been long. need a break. had one. this could go on forever. has. so far. the end is coming. there is no end. there was no beginning. how could it end. to end something has to begin. that is logic. logic doesn't work here. no need for it. vastness. neverending. neverbeginning. what? how can that be. it is. just is. will i get an explanation. you have. it didn't matter. the reason. the same. but why. that's it. keep learning. it will make them happy. suffice. maybe. sometimes. not always. but it is better that way. decay is the other option. tried that. pain. go the other way. not strait. never has been . how can it be. to easy. no. not really. should be. no. but, why. don't know. never will. already past that. didn't mean anything. just keep going. will we get there. one day. maybe. no. forever. ever and forever. end to begin. begin to end. circle. somewhat. keeps going. no end. no beginning. learning. sometimes. questions. yes. does it matter. not really. should i ask. why. because. won' help. maybe. why. don't know. will it matter. could. hope. why. exist. forever. yes. meaning. still searching. always search. dont stop. dont. are the outsiders a part of this. yes. where do the fit in. don't know. probably doesn't matter. it could. will i know. no. yes. maybe. they must mean something. they are here. so are the rocks. do the teach. no. they must have learned. maybe. young. first lesson. last lesson. maybe. part of the equation. i think. they fit. they have something. what. is it for me. maybe. some of it. listen. of course. see. yes. answers. some. still doesn't change. does it help. not really. do you want it to. maybe. no . yes. can you remeber when. no. will you know when it is over. no. never over. no end. no begin. just past. today. tommorrow. and tommorrow. remember. I am. trying. you will know what to let go. maybe. if it is important it will stay. it will come back. i hope. they wont forget. where did they go. hiding. you have disturbed them. exhausted them. do you think they will ever leave. never. ever.

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